QUESTION: How would you describe a sexually satisfied wife?
QUESTION: What would it take to be a sexually satisfied wife?
I’m making a quick trip to Utah for a TV appearance on KSL’s “Studio 5” show Friday, February 13 from 11 – 12 noon (channel 5), and they’ve asked me to talk about “Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Wives.” But before you take a peek at what I’ve said on the subject, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Whether you are a wife or a husband, we welcome your ideas. We’ll all be looking forward to the comments posted here!
Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone!
Click here to see a video clip of the TV segment.
About the Author: Laura M. Brotherson
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist, Laura M. Brotherson is the founder of "The Marital Intimacy Institute"" with a mission to help couples create "sextraordinary" marriages. She counsels with couples and individuals in private practice (and online) and is passionate about helping couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy--specializing in healthy sexuality, sex therapy, and sex addiction. She is the author of the best-selling book And They Were Not Ashamed — Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage, and her latest book --From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After: 23 Keys to Prepare for a Sextraordinary Marriage, with nearly 100,000 copies sold. She also has a fabulous online course for women to help them develop their "Sexual Wholeness."
As a Certified Family Life Educator, Laura is also actively engaged in helping to build strong marriages and families by providing marriage education through Couples Cruises, articles, newsletters, radio and television broadcasts, "The Marital Intimacy Show" podcasts, and presenting at conferences and workshops. Laura is a regular contributor to the KSL Television "Studio 5" morning show.
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I don’t think there is really much of a secret to being satisfied other than the fact that you feel loved and adored. Many women are insecure about their bodies, and that can and does interfere a lot with intimacy, for most women. I cannot speak for all women, but I know that for myself, the satisfaction comes from knowing you are who your husband thinks about, who he looks forward to seeing and who he imagines his entire life with. Not every sexual encounter will be bliss, but knowing that there is trust and sincerity between the two of you makes a world of difference. My husband and I read Laura’s book “And They Were Not Ashamed” before we were married and it was perfect! We both were fairly naive before we were married and my husband said there was a lot of information in that book that he never thought about. Just as I believe that trust, admiration and loyalty are a huge part of satisfaction, I also believe being knowledgeable about your partner and what their needs, likes, dislikes and wishes are.
I am satisfied when I feel like he is spending time on me, and not just doing everything on his own timetable, and the activities that he likes. I would be more satisfied with our sex life if I had orgasms more often. Right now, we are still learning what I like, and he is still learning to be open to suggestions from me as to what to do. I’m so used to just automatically thinking only of him, and how to please him. I am trying to be more assertive, and asking for what I want.
Thanks Carole! Good suggestions. It’s important for women to be assertive enough to share what they need. Men often don’t know. Heck, women don’t even know what they want or need sometimes! : )
You mention another common problem for women, that they sometimes think too much about what their husband’s need instead of focusing on their own pleasure. I know it sounds off, but in sex women really need to learn to focus on their own “happenings” and trust that by doing so it’s actually the greatest gift they could give their husbands! : )
Carole and Laura,
As a husband I agree completely. I would love it if my wife enjoyed sex. I believe that she has mentally divided up the needs in our house. The need for sex belongs exclusively to me. The need for sleep and to watch TV belongs to her. The times when she has condescended to sex she often takes a “just get it over with” posture. Nothing is more disheartening than a passive, disinterested partner.
I believe that for several years she consented to sex as a gift to me, resolute that she would endure it for my sake. With time she grew resentful. Now instead of a neutral attitude towards sex, she is decidedly negative.
At the risk of getting even more personal, last night I dreamed that my wife desired me, longed to be with me, and that she came to me for pleasure, excitement, and joy. It was a wonderful dream. I woke in the middle of the night aching for her touch. It hurts to know that she does not have those feelings towards me.
There is no greater gift a wife can give to her husband than to need him, sexually and otherwise. I like to be my wife’s hero. I enjoy opening jars and unclogging drains. I like to feel needed and appreciated. I would like to feel needed and appreciated sexually.
Sir John
I have several thoughts on the subject. First, sexual satisfaction is dependent upon the overall quality of our relationship. If we are doing well in the emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical (non-sexual) aspects of our relationship, sexual satisfaction is fairly easy to come by. If we are struggling in our relationship, sex is often the first thing to go.
Second, lots of foreplay is necessary and helpful for my wife’s sexual satisfaction. It doesn’t take me long to be ready, but it takes my wife more time to be so. Patience, tenderness, compassion, loving touch and words, and above all, time, go a long way to preparing my wife for a satisfying and enjoyable experience.
Third, I focus on her satisfaction first, before my own. I have found that giving my wife ecstasy and bliss is also a very strong turn-on for me, more so than anything else I have found. Besides, the foreplay experience is enjoyable and fun in its own right. There is a lot more to sex than just the orgasm.
Lairdman,
I agree that sexual fulfillment is dependent upon the other facets of the intimate relationship. I would add that each facet of the intimate relationship is dependent upon the others. Sexual satisfaction is not passively dependent up on the others but the others are also dependent upon it. A breakdown can begin in any area of the relationship. It is often the knee jerk reaction to blame a rift in the sexual union on the husbands unwillingness to tend to his wife’s emotional needs or to help with the dishes. I agree that this can be and often is the beginning of the problem. I am convinced that there are also many situations where sexual disharmony grows and festers until it begins to affect what would have been healthy aspects of the relationship. It’s a two way street here.
There are many people who find sexual fulfillment elusive in an otherwise happy marriage. It’s not always “fairly easy to come by” as you say.
Sir John
Sir John-I feel for you. I have found that most of my friends who are much like your wife in the “just get it over with” position are often not getting their fulfillment. I am very new to this site, and know nothing about you or your relationship. However, I know that a husband who is willing to put his own pleasure aside long enough to and willing to do anything to help his wife enjoy sex, usually ends up with a wife who does just that…enjoys sex. It took my husband and myself a long time to ‘figure things out’ so that I get to enjoy it every time, just like he does. It’s so much easier for you men…you don’t have to work much for your pleasure. Or course it’s not fun to go through sex and come out unfulfilled. I am lucky to have a husband who wanted me to be fulfilled as much as he wanted his own. My pleasure was jsut as important to him as his. I don’t know what you have or haven’t tried, but, I would recommend trying anything and everything. A good sexual relationship, as you know, is important in making those other aspects of marriage good as well as vice versa. I agree it’s not always easy to come by and it’s definitely a two way street. I would just say be patient and, if she’s willing, spend time on her, trying to get her her fulfillment. It worked for me!
Elysianna,
You point out one potential cause for disinterest in sex- lack of education or communication between the spouses regarding what is enjoyable, etc. And while this is important, I assure you that there are other issues at play.
Some women simply do not care about sex, even though their husbands desperately want to please them. Unfortunately, in these cases, there seems to be little the husband can do directly to increase the wife’s desire or interest in this aspect of marriage. Like SirJohn and others that have commented here, this has been a battle for me for many years now. The only course I am aware of is to develop a perfect, unconditional love when the normal tendency is to feel neglected, ignored, unimportant, and unloved. It is an ongoing battle and is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced.
Oh, and kudos to you and your husband for working on and improving in this important area of marriage.
Elysianna,
I agree with you completely. I know that it is harder for my wife to get pleasure than for me. Nothing trills me more than to see her in ecstasy. I believe that I have seen her get there several times. However, she has said that she has never had an orgasm. That surprised me. I have considered the possibility that she is just good at faking it and now she is tired of acting. It is not fulfilling to me if she does not have a good time. I dream of the day that she will allow me to pleasure her. My wife’s pleasure is the imperative first step to my pleasure.
(( Comment to the wives out there. Don’t fake an orgasm. Hubby thinks his job is done and moves on. If there are times when one is just not going to happen and you are ok with that, just tell him. If you have had enough even though you have not had an orgasm, you can say something like, “That was wonderful, just like that. I don’t need anything more this time.” If you are content and happy, he will be too. ))
I believe that a passionate physical relationship is an important part of marital intimacy. For years I operated under the assumption that it would take practice, time, effort and energy to learn how to best please my wife sexually. The farther it slipped down hill, the more desperate I became and the harder I tried to convince her that this was worth the effort. It only hurt and offended her that I was placing so much importance on something that to her is trivial at best.
… The thought just occurred to me that perhaps sex scares my wife. Perhaps she masks her fear with an “I don’t care about that” attitude. Maybe the few times she has had (or almost had) an orgasm, the feeling of loosing control scared her, and now she tries to avoid it. Maybe what I mistook for the spasmodic throws of passion was actually the intense physical effort required to hold it back. This new idea resonates with me for some reason. Any of you with more knowledge care to comment? At any rate, it does not matter why she is not interested. The important part for me is not to push something on her that she does not want to deal with.
Thanks for listening. It helps.
Sir John
Okay you “desert” men have really had me thinking this past week. My husband and I have had many discussions about your elusive lives. LOL. I went back and read some journals (Hint, hint).
Let’s talk…
When I WAS at an unhealthy mental state of mind, I struggled with feeling like sex was for men only…”afterall God is a man and it was all his idea” (please don’t hate me for thinking that…like I said I was unhealthy and I had experienced some sad childhood experiences which contributed to those sick thoughts).
My husband could sense that I had the attitude of “let’s get this overwith” yet he had been very patient with me. He started offering a foot rub or neck massage, and told me flat out that he did not expect anything in return (and he didn’t get anything). He would do small things and I could clearly see his intent was to make me happy, no expectations. He would stop me and hug me, look me in the eyes and say loving things about me. (At the time I did not like myself very much so they were hard to handle).
Fortunately, I saw that my husband had a need, even if I felt that I didn’t…but overtime and much patience, I know differently now.
Perhaps some of you are married to women who really truly say that they have ZERO need for physical intimacy…but I want to know if they suffer from depression? anxiety? headaches? mental disorders? thyroid problems? etc. or do they take medications?
SimplySweetMarriage,
You asked about depression, anxiety, and mental disorders. I went into detail on that in the open forum discussion. I’ll just copy a paragraph from there to save people from searching.
My wife struggled off and on through childhood with depression. She had not had treatment or symptoms for about 4 years before we met. About three years after we were married, after the birth of our son, she struggled with postpartum depression. She found a therapist who diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Successful treatment predictions are heavily caveated and estimate about 60% remission after 10 years of intensive therapy.
Thyroid problems? Not that I’m aware of.
Headaches? I am trying to figure out if you are seriously asking about an abnormal number of headaches at all hours of the day or if this is just the typical “wife has a headache” joke. No to the first, yes to the second.
I am intrigued by your comment that his loving statements were hard for you to handle. If you don’t mind, please give details about how you would react. My wife can get quite angry when I say loving things to her. I have learned to not try to build her up when she is tearing herself down. It does not go over well. Any sage advice on this topic?
I am also interested in your thoughts on faking an orgasm. How possible is this? My wife says that she has never had one, but she has been very convincing at times.
Sir John
As a husband, I feel sexually satisfied when my wife desires, wants, needs, and is attracted to me sexually. I need her to want me. I need her to need me.
My sexualality is a combination of emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy with my wife. If I feel or know my wife is sexually fulfilled in wanting me, and I am able to help her to orgasm(s) I never feel better. I feel incomplete when my wife does not have an orgasm.
Laura, thank you for your service in improving this communication between husbands and wives! I hope my wife and I can teach our daughters these things.