Sexy Challenge — “Say ‘No’ to Duty Sex”

Sexy Challenge for HIM – “Say ‘No’ to Duty Sex”

SEXY CHALLENGE for HIM!!  Here’s an important skill for you husbands to practice AND a chance to win $100!! One of the most important things men can do to help create a “sextraordinary” marriage is to work on developing their self-mastery, bridling of passions, and spiritual surrender.

Remember these 3 S’s for any husband who wants to take on this challenge:

  • 1. Say no to “duty sex” …gracefully!
  • 2. Self-regulate: practice managing your thoughts and emotions of going without sex.
  • 3. Stay connected emotionally even though you have turned down your wife’s offer of “duty sex.”

This challenge is to help you and your wife move beyond obligatory, “duty sex” and get into healthier habits of genuine connection sexually.

What is “Duty Sex?”

Duty sex is when your wife offers but you can feel it’s out of obligation. It’s the opposite of “I want to” sex or “I want you” sex.

Why Say No?

This challenge is about developing greater sexual self-mastery and retraining your wife that you won’t just jump at the cheap stuff but restrain yourself to wait for when she can freely choose and truly wants to.

It’s like the husband that said, “I can see a lot of value in this challenge … to retrain my brain to say no sometimes and see that I won’t die.”

Common Issue of “Duty Sex”

For a lot of couples they mostly only have duty sex. Saying no to a wife’s sexual offerings may make her upset and yes sometimes it’s better to receive gracefully what she can give and be okay with that.

The purpose of this challenge, though, is to give husbands the opportunity to gently say, “I’m good tonight honey. We’re good. No worries…” and genuinely be good with that by doing steps 2 and 3 of the challenge to regulate your thoughts and emotions and to find ways to stay emotionally connected to her.

With this challenge you’re trying to create the conditions where she begins to believe that you really are okay without “duty sex” so she begins to learn that she doesn’t need to “babysit” your emotions (or grumpiness 😉 with sex and can begin to really choose for herself.

For most couples to get out of duty sex mode it will take the wife doing the work in my “Sexual Wholeness for Women” Online Course and Process Group and potentially some counseling for husbands to learn the skills of self-mastery and bridling of their passions that is the important work on their side of things.

Moving Toward a “Sextraordinary” Marriage

I have a handout on my Marital Intimacy Institute website Resource Page to get couples started that gives some “first steps” that a husband and wife would have to do to move toward what I call a “sextraordinary” marriage.

I know this is not easy stuff for couples. And of course it’s not as simple as this little Sexy Challenge but it’s intended to get couples thinking and moving in a healthier direction in their sexual relationships.

One Husband’s Awakening Regarding Duty Sex

One husband recently shared with me that he realized the damage he was doing by taking the duty sex his wife was begrudgingly giving and let his wife know he wouldn’t say yes to it anymore and that they instead needed to figure out how to make this a more enjoyable part of their relationship for both of them. He realized how much of that work had to be done by himself (which is part of what the 3 S’s in this challenge is all about!).

By removing the pressure and expectations he was putting on his wife about sex she was able to move into a better place mentally. He concluded, “The road has been long and hard, and I still have work to do in regards to keeping my emotions in check when I start to feel needy. But we can see the path forward and life has never been better!” That’s a hard-won accomplishment for sure and something I hope for all couples!

Here’s what he had to say in his own words:

I have appreciated your content since finding you as my wife and I have worked to reshape intimacy in our marriage. She had been giving “duty sex” as you call it, cause I told her I needed sex to feel loved. We tried to find a compromise on quantity both thinking that would solve our problem. What we failed to see was it wasn’t the quantity of sex we needed, but quality.

Years back, she had said she hates the word sex and wanted to use “intimacy” in its place. I don’t think either of us realized the complications that arose due to that.

A few months ago we hit rock bottom. All sex was duty sex and I just kept taking it, thinking something is better than nothing. We found you and several different resources around that time. I started listening to your podcast and others at that time and came to the realization that I was causing so much damage in our relationship.

I then sat down and told my wife that I was not going to take duty sex anymore and that we needed to really work on the intimate relationship in our marriage. I realized that a lot of the work needed to be done by me. Since that time there has been no duty sex and no pressure from me to have sex. Life has never been better!

I love this challenge you’ve given husbands! I know I still have work to do in regards to keeping my emotions in check when I start to feel needy sexually. The last few weeks have been challenging, and as I see your posts it reminds me that I need to keep myself in check and better learn to self-regulate.

One of the ways we have stayed emotionally connected through it all is through our conversations around the topic. I go in to a discussion knowing that I cannot and will not have any expectations. We simply communicate. We create physical intimacy only if we BOTH agree to it, but if not we let the conversation, cuddling or kissing be the extent of it.

The road has been long and hard, but we can see the path forward and life has never been better!

The road has been long and hard, and we still have much ahead of us, but at least we can see the path forward! I just want to express my gratitude to you for the support and guidance you give as I learn and grow and mature emotionally and sexually. I love the challenges you share and look forward to others that you have going forward!

~ Jeff

Successes with This Challenge

To provide additional hope and encouragement to husbands who may be struggling with this challenge, John shares his story below from the initial struggles to the current success:

Thank you for your challenge to us men. Some time ago, I realized I wanted things to be better in my marriage and intimate life. So, I went to my wife and told her I wanted her to say “No” to me. I told her I never wanted her to have what you call “duty sex.” I told her I wanted her yes to mean yes and her no to mean no.

It was hard. For some reason, I think God connected the male ego to sexuality.

However, as she said no to me, I learned how to deal with those emotions and really challenge the irrational thinking that went along with it.

At first, there were times I needed to leave the room and go calm down. Now, I can stay present, remind myself I am still loved and look to the real reasons she may have said no. This has opened up more too! As I can now see her better when she says no, it has increased our intimacy outside of the bedroom.

You probably already know this, but as she said no and I dealt with my OWN feelings, and my OWN irrational and negative thinking, I saw a million more ways I could help her and serve her. When I saw this and acted on it, it touched her heart.

Ironically, or perhaps not, she wanted more intimacy. She actually seemed to say No less when this happened. So, by doing what you have been telling us husbands, we are actually having more sex not less. And it is way more sweet and meaningful when both of us are fully wanting to be there! Thank you for challenging us men!

~ John

I wish this experience for every couple that is in need of changing the dynamics of their sexual relationship. This is the magic that can happen when even one spouse will do their part in overcoming the primary challenge of self-regulation and self-mastery (for most men) and embracing and developing their sexuality (for most women). I hope this man’s story provides some hope and encouragement for you to take on this challenge!!

The following are some additional successes with taking on this challenge:

Taking on your challenge my wife says she has felt so safe with me being proactive about not doing duty sex. I didn’t really feel like it was a common thing for us before but am now trying to recognize when she feels pressure to have sex and assure her that she doesn’t need to. After that we would always find different ways to connect. It’s changed the dynamics of our sexual relationship. It’s been awesome and I’ll definitely keep it up. Thanks for helping us be better!

~ Reed

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. I have to admit I didn’t think that I could do this challenge. I talked to my wife about it and she thought it was a good idea. It was hard at first to resist duty sex just for the fact that you don’t know when the next time will come around. But during the month of this challenge I have resisted duty sex. My wife and I have had many good conversations about duty sex. It has been awesome to see the change in our relationship! I feel like we are closer and I am more able to manage my emotions when I go without sex for a longer period of time.

In the past, I would get frustrated when I would go without sex for long periods. But this month I have found ways to manage my emotions much better. What a difference it has made for me! This has become something that I plan to continue. Thank you!

~ Dan

Message Us for a Chance to Win $100!

Obviously this challenge requires that a wife even offer “duty sex” some time before the end of March (when this challenge ends). Some husbands may not even have an opportunity to say “no” unless husbands want to be more proactive like this husband above.

If you are able to do these 3 things sometime by March 31, 2021, just send me a DM (direct message) in Instagram or Facebook sharing your efforts with the 3 S’s, and I’ll choose one husband to send the $100 to.

This isn’t an easy challenge, but it’s so important to help you and your spouse create a sextraordinary marriage!

UPDATE: Congrats to the winner of the $100! We hope all will continue to benefit from this challenge in their marriages! 😉

Additional Resources


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