It can be complicated to try to figure out all the right ingredients for a woman to experience an orgasm. Many women have tried almost everything they can imagine. Maybe they are missing one necessary ingredient…
Because every woman and every relationship is so different I thought I’d start compiling a running list here of things couples might try to bring about orgasm. Most of these suggestions are things that have specifically helped couples I’ve counseled.
So, gook luck in your sexual adventures, and let us know what suggestions have been most helpful. We’d love to have readers share their secret sexual ingredients as well if they are willing! ; )
Orgasm Helps and Hints
- Remember for women sex is a decision, so make the decision to go there!
- Read And They Were Not Ashamed and do the homework at the end of each chapter to clear out as many inhibiting issues as you can on your own and/or with your spouse.
- Initiate sex instead of being the more passive recipient of his sexual advances.
- Take the lead sexually. A woman ultimately needs to be in charge of her orgasm to be sure she is getting what she needs. Husbands do play a big role not only in providing the physical/sexual stimulation that a woman needs, but also they are a key to the mental and emotional foreplay that she needs.
- Be sure you and your husband have specifically read chapters 3, 4 and 5 of my book And They Were Not Ashamed so that you both understand the intricacies of a woman’s sexual wiring and the differences between a husband and a wife’s sexual wiring.
- Utilize lingerie to get in the mood, to feel sexy, and to make a conscious decision to go there, ‘cuz for women sex is a decision! Put it on even a while before lovemaking to help you mentally prepare.
- Utilize some mood music or bedroom music to help get in the mood, stay focused on romantic emotions and help keep out mental distractions.
- Utilize scented candles to lower the lights to help with body image worries and to add a pleasurable aromatic addition to the experience. It can make the whole experience more romantic and help her go from “mommy” mode to wife and lover mode.
- Use Lelo Balls as kegel muscle exercisers to strengthen the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles (PC muscles) and learn what orgasm feels like (the contractions).
- Do kegel exercises/contractions during lovemaking/intercourse to increase pleasure and to lead your body to the involuntary PC muscle contractions that occur during orgasm.
- Keep a sex journal to identify what helps you with arousal and what hinders arousal.
- Have more buildup, more foreplay in your lovemaking. Don’t overlook the necessity of foreplay to get a woman ready for orgasm. Review chapter 3 of And They Were Not Ashamed to understand the Warm-up/Preparation phase women may need in order to be able to go all the way!
- Do the “positive flooding” exercise on pg 53 of my book (And They Were Not Ashamed) to help with mental and emotional connection and arousal. It’s great emotional foreplay!
- Increase your verbalizations during lovemaking, which can significantly increase sexual arousal especially for women because of the mental foreplay/arousal it provides. Utilize auditory arousal (pg 133, And They Were Not Ashamed) to help with getting her mind focused and helping to shut out mental distractions. This could simply be verbal expressions of pleasure on either or both of your parts.
- Create role play scenarios to play out mentally and verbally during lovemaking to help keep her mind occupied (Auditory Arousal).
- Make your orgasmic efforts a fun and playful journey–no pressure! Don’t get too serious about it. Let it happen as you are barely paying attention to it. Just play around together. It’s tough to do when you’re frustrated about not experiencing orgasm, but orgasm occurs best in a relaxed environment of enjoyment and playfulness than with too much focused concentration on a specific outcome. Let go of the outcome, that whatever happens it will be good!
- Be sure you are getting enough clitoral stimulation. Play around with the clitoris to identify just what’s pleasurable instead of to “have an orgasm.” Figure out what feels good to you there? What kind of movement? How much pressure? etc.
- Try using a vibrator to help your body more easily experience the necessary clitoral stimulation and sexual arousal. Would an orgasm with a vibrator used together in lovemaking be better than no orgasm at all? See also my Straight Talk Q&A about vibrator use.
- Be sure you have enough lubrication for pleasurable sensations.
- Keywords for your lovemaking journey to orgasm should be: playful, teasing, exploring, adventurous
- Try the Sensate Focus exercises (pg 242, And They Were Not Ashamed) and keep a sex journal about what you learn regarding what turns you on and what turns you off.
- Consider decreasing your SSRI/depression medication and increase SAM-e supplement to decrease the negative sexual side effects (inhibited orgasm).
- Do some free writing/process writing or have a conversation with your spouse about the meaning of orgasm?
- Do some free writing/process writing or have a conversation with your spouse to explore the concept of sexual surrender/ letting go sexually or any related fears of losing control during lovemaking.
- Engage in more emotional connection. Be sure you’re having regular date nights, couple time and/or pillow talk. Check out these Date Night articles and such!
- Read other books that provide specific erotic activities that you could try. One wife found some great little techniques in John Gray’s Mars and Venus in the Bedroom for her and her husband to try that allowed her to get turned on enough to experience orgasm. This only came after a lot of work on relationship issues and emotional connection, so don’t start with sexual “techniques” if the relational/emotional foundation isn’t already good.
- Learn to better focus your thoughts and pay attention to the pleasurable sexual sensations during lovemaking. Good sex is a mental discipline.
- Repeat favorite love songs in your head to help with the mental discipline.
- Be okay with surrender. Adopt a “take me” attitude! ; )
- Be sure you have enough time to not worry or be rushed.
- Increase body acceptance. Address body image issues. Listen to the body image podcasts (#033 – #037) and do the heart circle exercise repeating “I deeply and completely love and accept my body just the way it is!”
- Develop and nourish your identity as a sexual being. “I am a sexual being, and it’s good!” Listen to the podcast #030 on developing a sexual identity.
- Be sure your husband is able to contain himself as you get more and more aroused, so he doesn’t get too excited or make a big deal about your progress, or it can stop your sexual progress and make you feel self-conscious.
- If you haven’t been able to figure it out yet, then be sure to employ the assistance of a marriage counselor/sex therapist (or check my Marital Intimacy Therapist Registry) to help dig into the specifics of things you may have missed or overlooked.
- Keep the faith but let go of the need for orgasm and just enjoy your husband and the pleasurable experiences you share. Letting go of it is often requisite for it to show up!
- Listen to my Marital Intimacy Show podcast “Overcoming Obstacles of the Big ‘O'” — Part 1 – 3 (episodes #019 – #021)