Good Girls Don’t
One of the trends I continue to see in my work with couples is that there is still an ingrained belief and something of a cultural norm that says, “Good girls don’t.”
The idea is that good girls shouldn’t think about sex. Or that good girls don’t do sex, which prior to marriage is true. But the problem occurs when that gets carried over into marriage.
The lie is that good girls don’t read or learn about sex, nor do they ever fully embrace or develop their sexuality even within marriage. Many men struggle with similar beliefs wreaking havoc in their lives as well. Good girls are certainly not supposed to enjoy sex either.
Sex isn’t Satan’s Domain
Satan has made sex his realm. He’s usurped the whole thing as if sex has nothing to do with God and goodness at all. His counterfeit message is one of sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone. He’s even used the strength of good people against them to keep them far away from the subject altogether. He’s made it such taboo territory that few are willing to even attempt to restore its divine light.
In our efforts to teach youth that sexual activity is reserved for marriage–that good girls don’t…before marriage–we forget to mention that after marriage good girls do! That mental transition never fully occurs with many couples (wives and husbands included!).
Embracing God-given Sexuality
In order to help couples truly embrace their God-given sexuality as God designed it to be, there must be a restoration of goodness and wholesomeness attached to sex itself. Sexual intimacy is one of God’s great gifts to a husband and wife. Why would He not want us to fully receive and enjoy this gift!
I don’t imagine God’s too happy with Satan destroying something so precious, or having all the airtime about the subject.
Part of the effort to take sex out of the darkness–out of Satan’s territory–and restore it to God’s light is for each of us to do our part in overcoming those negative beliefs we personally hold. Then we need to do what we can to promote sex as a positive and wholesome activity within marriage. I like to refer to it as a “wholesome recreational activity!” : )
Put in a Good Word for Sex
I have been so thrilled to see that many have begun to speak out in defense of sex as a good thing–whether with their friends, their children or in their churches or communities. Just setting an example of confidently, openly and appropriately addressing the subject can go a long way towards changing the energy surrounding the subject.
I encourage us all to watch for opportunities to put in a good word for sex. Sex needs a new public relations team to restore its divine light and luster. We all need to help remind each other that in marriage good girls (and guys) do!
I wanted to THANK YOU for this article. I have been spreading the new “good girl” message to other friends. I have been shocked by responses from other women who have had 5 or more children. Some have never had an orgasm or see it as something worldly or evil. Other women have treated me different. I may have been too open and shocking for others, but I have never shared intimate details or betrayed that trust. Many of these women I have looked up to as the standard super woman!
I am so glad for Laura’s book and I wish many more women would take sex more seriously. Maybe the trash would be taken out more often, and our honey-do list would not exist. Valentine’s would land every week! Our men would be happier, as would we. I feel blessed that my husband enjoys our time together as much as I do! I am really proud to say that this GOOD GIRL DOES!!!
God bless you! Your husband is a lucky man!
You go girl!!!
I am really glad Laura wrote her book! I read about her writing the book in the BYU Alumni Magazine and have purchased several copies of the book. I was not prepared for the sexual part of marriage at all. Everyone was “hush hush”.
I tried hard to prepare my oldest daughter for marriage. I had her read Laura’s book and another good book and we discussed the books and I tried to help her plan for the honeymoon.
Laura’s book has helped me to improve my marriage too.
I completely agree. The challenge, as I see it, is this: husband and wife will rarely have the same interest or desire for intimacy. If husband and wife can communicate openly about needs and expectations and both are willing to be somewhat flexible to accommodate their spouse (not just out of “duty” but out of love), everything is fine. But, how often does this happen? Without open communication and flexibility, the desire gap then leads to resentment and creating more distance between each other, and this can be a vicious cycle that is hard to break. I wish that my wife and I had started the habit of talking about these issues early in our marriage- of course it’s never too late, but now that we have been married a number of years it is much more difficult to have the type of discussion that we need and to change our mindset and behavior.
thanks for this detailed expression and effort to restore full knowledge about what should and what should not about sex, both within and outside marriage. you will discover that even in Africa, the few that were brought up with good moral standard are usually faced with integrating themselves into sex in marriage. they tend to see sex as a tool only for child rearing and never as a cement that keeps couples together. but dymistifying the wrong beliefs about sex will go a long way to help restore the love among many couples who are going through this. I have been married for seven years and just bringing my wife out of such beliefs.
I fully agree with you, but, how can I get my wife to believe it?
Read the book together with her. Bring her here too where she can talk with other women about it.