Sexual Wiring of Men vs. Women

Switch box of men and women 300pix

The first time I saw this picture I nearly died laughing! Too dang funny! It wouldn’t be so funny if it weren’t so true.

I realize this representation of men and women is overly simplistic, but there are some valuable insights to be gained from this visual characterization.

Men are pretty much either on or off. There’s not much guessing involved, and to be honest, for most men, most of the time, they’re on! If you think like a man, you can see why men don’t understand what a wife’s fuss is all about when it comes to sex . . . It’s easy. It’s great. Let’s just do it . . . That’s what men are usually thinking.

As a woman, you have to just feel for the poor husband who has to try to figure out what each dial needs to be set to in order for his wife to be “on!”

While this picture is pretty funny and pretty accurate, I do have to remind women that they have a lot more control over all those dials than they might realize.

Since sex starts in the mind for a woman she has a lot of power over her thoughts to focus on those that help her “warm-up” mentally and emotionally to help get her in a mood for a lovemaking opportunity. Women are not helpless victims of their husband’s actions or lack thereof.

My husband and I did a fun presentation at a recent conference entitled, “Sexy is a State of Mind — Cultivating Sexual Desire for Your Spouse.” (See also the article, “Cultivating Intimate Desire for Your Spouse.”)

We generally consider the husband to be the higher-desire spouse, or what I like to call the “spontaneous-desire” spouse, and the wife is generally considered to be the lower-desire spouse, or more accurately, the “cultivated-desire” spouse.

Each spouse would do well to focus on the things they can personally do to improve the sexual relationship. Here are a few ideas for the “spontaneous-desire” spouse:

  1. Build emotional intimacy
  2. Continue to learn about male / female differences in sexual wiring (see Chap 5 of our book)
  3. Learn to bridle your sexual desire
  4. Don’t put psychological pressure on your wife sexually
  5. Be willing to change.

Here are few ideas for the “cultivated-desire” spouse:

  1. Program healthy sexual thoughts and beliefs
  2. Accept your sexuality as good and from God
  3. Decide to take responsibility for your sexual desire
  4. Decide to develop and enjoy your sexuality for own sake, as well as for your spouse
  5. Develop greater body image acceptance
  6. Nurture sexual thoughts and feelings on a daily basis
  7. Develop a default position of being open to sexual expression in your relationship
  8. Initiate sex more often
  9. Like yourself inside and out
  10. Be willing to change

Hopefully this picture of the switch box will help husbands and wives better understand each other’s sexual wiring, and be more willing to work together to make things flow better for both in their intimate relationship.

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  • JL October 1, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    I feel the hard thing is that some women don’t want to discuss sex so their husbands are always trying to guess what they like. It would really help if wives would be open to educating their husbands about their likes and dislikes and would be willing to read books (like Laura’s).

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