Laura's Marriage Newsletter header
"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage!"
        e-Newsletter #11--July 11, 2005  (#05-6)

1~  MARRIAGE TIP--"God's Wedding Gift--Why Save Sex for Marriage"
2~  ARTICLE--"Divine Designs of Marriage"
3~  EVENTS--Couples' Caribbean Cruise
4~  NEWS--Weekly Radio Show;; Photos, Audio &
      Video Clips; Quick Poll Question
5~  READERS' COMMENTS --"Your book tells me how to fix the
6~  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A--"Why don't I enjoy kissing with my wife?"
7~  WORDS TO PONDER--Profoundly meaningful sex... & Take sex
      out of Satan's territory


1~  MARRIAGE TIP--"God's Wedding Gift--Why Save Sex for Marriage"

According to recent polls, about 90% of the population believe in God. So
for most people it's enough to know that God has designated sexual intimacy
as a "wedding gift" given only to those who are legally and lawfully married.
But, are there additional benefits to saving sex for marriage—beyond obeying
God's command? Yes! Here are just a few compelling reasons to save sexual
expression for it's exclusive enjoyment and fulfillment within marriage:
(1) Provides a profound sense of accomplishment. Those who
save sex for marriage may share something in common with those
who run a marathon, or who climb Mount Everest—a huge feeling of
accomplishment. The enduring satisfaction of having accomplished
something difficult, often in the face of great adversity, provides a
solid foundation for the soul and a continuing reservoir of genuine
contentment and confidence. The "quick thrill" of succumbing to a
sexual experience pales in comparison to the "permanent thrill" of
having overcome great odds to remain sexually pure for marriage.
(A profound sense of accomplishment can also come from starting
over at any point to remain sexually pure until marriage.)
(2) Avoids heartache. Sharing sexual intimacies outside of marriage
inevitably invites emotional turmoil and heartache. Anyone who has
ever been used for a night of momentary pleasure knows the
emotional pain associated with such indulgences. Deception, regret,
and self-disgust often accompany the experience of inappropriately
sharing intimacies with another. Any premarital or extra-marital
indulgences are merely cheap substitutes for the real thing within the
committed, intimate relationship available only within marriage.
(3) Indicates trustworthiness. Trust is the foundation of a strong
and healthy marriage, and reserving sexual expression for marriage
demonstrates a significant degree of  trustworthiness. If you can be
trusted to save sex for marriage, then you can be trusted with almost
anything. Trust is the antidote to "relationship insecurity." If you have
succumbed to sexual temptation outside of marriage, even if it was
with your spouse prior to marriage, it plants the question in the mind
that maybe it could happen again with someone else. It's not that
trust is impossible after yielding to sexual enticements, but it can
definitely create cracks in the marital foundation, requiring extra effort
to cement it.
(4) Develops self-discipline. Every exercise of sexual restraint
builds discipline of mind and body. One father also told his young
adult son that while sexual self-discipline was important before
marriage, it was even more important after marriage. Just knowing
what I know about the intricacies of female sexual fulfillment, I would
agree that self-discipline—mental, emotional and physical—is vital
for anyone to develop in preparation for marriage.
(5) Shows maturity. Maturity is the ability to understand the
consequences of our actions, and to show a pattern of making wise
choices. Keeping one's self from sexual indiscretion is not only an
indicator of self-discipline, but also a demonstration of wisdom in
keeping one's self away from the fire, away from compromising
situations, knowing that there will come a perfect time and place for
fully experiencing the intimate passion of the act of marriage.
While many believe that young people are simply not capable of waiting to
have sex until marriage, I disagree. It isn't that big of a stretch to believe:
1) that children can be taught about sexual intimacy as a divine gift reserved
for marriage; 2) that parents can meet their children's emotional needs in
order for each child to feel loved, so that they are less vulnerable to
substitute forms of intimacy and fulfillment; and 3) that just as youth are
expected to wait until they are a certain age and have passed driver's
training before they receive a driver's license, that they too can save sexual
expression for a certain time and place within marriage.

God's wedding gift is just that...a gift for husband and wife to enjoy within
the divinely designed relationship of marriage. Saving sexual expression for
marriage has great benefits. See for yourself...

2~  ARTICLE--"Divine Designs of Marriage"

Check out our recent Meridian Magazine column "Divine Designs of Marriage"

Here are some highlights from the article:
“Marriage is divinely designed as a personal crucible—a refiner’s fire—
to smooth off our rough edges, and shape us into our divine authentic
self. This process prepares us for greater degrees of marital oneness."

"Marriage is the ultimate surprise “grab bag”—where you never really
know what you’re going to get."

"Nothing can compare to the peace, joy and ecstasy available in
marriage, but neither will anything exact such a price."

"Marital Responsibilities:
I.   To become self-aware through intimate attention and introspection.
2.  To enroll oneself in serious and significant self-development and
     personal growth.
3.  To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self and spouse.
4.  To heal and become whole, in order to become ONE.
5.  To identify and be willing to stretch to meet another’s needs.
6.  To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth
     and development."

"Marital Pledge:
*   I pledge to focus my attention and efforts on overcoming my
    weaknesses and building upon my strengths...

*   I pledge to invest myself in an ongoing, internal self-development
    process where I put in the necessary effort to overcome my
    weaknesses, which will allow me to become more whole, as an
    individual, and to become more one with my spouse and God..."

“'Happily ever after in marriage is possible. It is within reach for all
couples...marriage truly holds within its embrace the highest bliss,
the sweetest connectedness, the warmest touch, and the greatest
peace that life and eternity has to offer."

To read past articles, visit our "In The News" web page at:

3~  AUTHOR EVENTS-- Couples' Caribbean Cruise
Couples' Caribbean Cruise--Valentine’s Day Week
(February 11-18, 2006)

  *  Stephen E. Lamb, M.D., author of "Between Husband and Wife"
  *  Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, author of "And They Were Not Ashamed"
Join us for an exciting 7-day Eastern Caribbean Cruise on the new
Caribbean Princess leaving from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Cruise
includes drawings for fabulous prizes, three 2-hr seminars during the
days at sea, group excursions with the authors, and much more!

Prices start at $815 per person. Limited cabins so book early!
Hostess: Julie Dansie / 801-651-7674 /
To book call Cruise Planners / 801-446-4218 or 866-446-4218
Click here for Cruise flyer:
For more information visit:
For information about additional author events visit our "Events" page:

4~  NEWS--Weekly Radio Show;; Photos, Audio &
      Video Clips; Quick Poll Question
(1) Weekly Radio Show about Intimacy. For more than two months,
author Laura M. Brotherson has been a weekly guest on the "Dr. Liz
Hale Show" on Utah's new AM820 radio station. You can be a part of
the show by tuning in online at every Thursday
from 10:30 - 11:45 a.m. You can also call in with your questions or
comments at 1-888-362-1820. Each week Dr. Liz and Laura highlight
a particular aspect of sexual intimacy in marriage, and visit with callers
regarding their questions and comments. Don't miss out on this
wonderful opportunity to gain insights about intimacy and marriage.
Go online and download the media player to get ready to tune in from
anywhere in the world. Our next show will be Thursday, July 14 from
10:30 - 11:45 a.m. See ya then!

** Tune in every Thursday from 10:30 - 11:45 a.m. on Utah's
AM820 or online at

(2) Article picked up by The article "Why Do I
Keep Doing That?--Understanding Why We Sin" was recently picked
up by You can check it out at:

(3) Photos, Audio & Video Clips Added. On the "Events" page
( you'll
find new photos for many of Laura's recent events such as:

*   her June 23 - 25 BYU Idaho Education Week presentations
*   the June 24 Deseret Book "Meet the Author/Booksigning" in
    Rexburg, Idaho; and
*   the May 21 Couples Seminar in Boise
...just look for the little "camera icon" to find the photos.

You'll also find audio and video clips from Laura's appearance on
Tiffany Berg's April 28th "Succeeding Gracefully" TV show. (Please
let us know if you have any problems with the links.)

(4) Quick Poll Question. If you haven't had a chance to let us know
how you heard about our book, "And They Were Not Ashamed" please
do so by answering our Quick Poll question:

5~  READERS' COMMENTS --"Your book tells me HOW to fix the problems!!"
"My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have struggled
with intimacy problems since a few months after we were married. I
was just never in the mood, and I didn't know how to get there. I
wanted to have that closeness with my husband, but just didn't know
how to get my body to want it. It got to the point where I would dread
getting into bed at night with my husband, because I knew he was
going to try to initiate sex, and that I would say no, then he would be
hurt, and want to stay up all night talking about it and ask me
questions I didn't have the answers for. We have had countless
arguments over intimacy. We would always go around and around in
circles, having the same argument every time. We were so frustrated.
We wanted to fix the problem but didn't know how. I bought a book a
couple of years ago about intimacy. I didn't even finish the book. I
would read it, but it never actually TOLD me HOW TO FIX the problems!
So I lost interest. Your book tells me how to fix the problems!! Thank
you for being so specific....

"My husband told me that what he learned in the book about women
and the way their minds and bodies work has given him a greater
appreciation and a deeper love for me!... I feel so BLESSED to have
found your book while we're still fairly young, and before these intimacy
problems caused any more heartache between my husband and I. I'm
so glad this finally came from a woman's perspective. Your descriptions
in the book describe exactly how I feel at times. I feel like a light has
come on!... I just feel like shouting out to the world that there is HOPE
for any couple struggling in their marriage! There is a way, an answer,
We welcome you to share your comments at:

6~  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A--"Why don't I enjoy kissing with my wife?"

Why don't I enjoy kissing with my wife? I did before I married her. We loved
kissing. But I no longer look forward to kissing my wife. I get tired of it after
a few minutes. Often, when we make love, we don't kiss at all. Or rather, I'll
kiss her body, but not her lips. It just isn't a priority for me. I want to want to
relish the intimacy of kissing my wife, of making sure that she is well-kissed,
but I simply can't find any real pleasure out of it anymore. Is this common?
How does one recover that delight?

You can rest assured this situation is very common! Kissing and non-sexual
touch often experience similar demise after marriage--once we can do more
why "settle" for just kissing or for plain old affectionate touch. This may not be
the only reason kissing has lost some appeal, but it's a natural progression for
the more explosive feelings of sex to outdo the simpler pleasures. You may
have to re-learn to consciously choose to enjoy each stage of the lovemaking
"journey" for it's own sake, rather than rushing on to the "destination."

You might consider doing what I've suggested to many wives who miss having
that "plain old affection." Schedule one night a week (or month) for the purpose
of re-training yourself to enjoy these simpler pleasures. (This is also one of the
steps in the "Sensate Focus" exercises--You can find out more about it in
Ch 12 of my book.) If you really want to enjoy kissing again, then let yourself
re-learn to do so...!

By setting aside time just for kissing, knowing it's not "permissible"  for it to
go anywhere, can help you learn to stay in the moment of pleasure. If needed,
go somewhere where it's possible to make out (like in the backseat of your
car), but where it's not so easy to go further, then it won't be as much of a
temptation. "Kissing only" sessions can be amazingly transforming in a

Kissing is much more "intimate" than intercourse, therefore it is often easier,
less vulnerable, and more comfortable for many people to shy away from
kissing. They'd rather intertwine their bodies than their hearts. You can't hide
who you are when someone is looking into your eyes, nor can you ignore
really seeing the person you're kissing when you are focusing face-to-face.

If the "intimacy" of kissing might be an issue, then the emotional intimacy/
friendship between you and your wife may need some work. Unconditional
love and acceptance of yourself and your spouse can also ease the anxiety
of intimacy. When we don't fully love and accept our total self (the good and
the bad) we are not fully capable of giving our full self to another in an intimate
relationship. We will always hold something back out of fear. But we do not
have to be dependent on another's acceptance of us to give our self to another
intimately. If we can achieve unconditional love and acceptance of our self,
it will matter little what others think or feel about us.

It sounds like you may also have learned to mentally associate "kissing"
with being a chore--just like so many women have learned to associate "sex"
with being a chore. The steps for both to change are similar. The mental
discipline many women need to develop to stay focused within the lovemaking
experience is similar to the mental discipline you'll need to re-learn to enjoy
"kissing pleasures."

Telling your mind to enjoy each kiss, and keeping out the negative mental
clutter is key. The mind is a much underdeveloped and underused power.
Telling your mind to focus on the enjoyment of every little sensation and touch
of kissing is much more helpful than allowing yourself to prove, once again,
that you get bored after a few minutes... Remember thoughts are like
instructions to the brain, which tell our emotions and bodies how to respond.
Consciously choose to only allow thoughts that give positive instructions to
the brain. The great ability we each have to train our minds to focus on what
we want gives us the power to create any life experience we want. It's the
law of the harvest--what we focus our minds on grows, and keeps coming
back to us in the form of life experiences.

If we believe we'll get bored after a few minutes of kissing then our mind helps
us prove ourselves right...we get bored after a few minutes! We have the ability
to decide to change that belief to something like "I thoroughly enjoy the
intimate experience of kissing my wife, and she enjoys it too," then maintain
focus on that thought for as long as it takes to form new mental pathways
that support the belief that you "love kissing and that you savor every moment
of it!"

It's possible that your wife may not enjoy kissing either. Your wife's experience
with and response to making out are definitely factors in your experience with
kissing. I know of many women who really don't like kissing at all. In fact
there are some that are really grossed out by it. Many women can't stand
kissing because it always seems to lead to something else. If women would
learn to ask (and get) more of the non-sexual touch and affection (including
kissing) that they want/need without letting it go anywhere, it would also
improve their sexual feelings. Husbands can also plan to give their wives this
kind of affection "with no strings attached!"

Sex in marriage is a crucible for personal and relationship growth. What if you
knew that your sexual problems held the key to the most intimate, passionate
sexual relationship you could ever imagine? I suspect we would all see our
sexual difficulties in a different light and would be able to address the issues
with greater hope and greater resolve. God bless you and your wife in your

7~  WORDS TO PONDER--Profoundly meaningful sex... & Take sex
      out of Satan's territory
"Profoundly meaningful sex is determined more by our self-
acceptance and overall maturity than by hormones,
sex drive or
physiological reflex."


"Sex needs to be taken out of the darkness, out of Satan's territory,
and restored to God's light."


Stay tuned for more exciting developments in upcoming Strengthening
Marriage Newsletters...! Visit the e-Newsletter archive at:

If you missed any of the last few newsletters you can catch up here:
"35 Reasons to Make Love"--Newsletter #9

"Myths about Intimacy in Marriage"--Newsletter #10 
"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage" is an electronic newsletter
designed to strengthen your marriage and family—written by the author of the
book "And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment
." Visit for excerpts and
reviews, or to place an order or post a comment. The author welcomes your
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