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Wow. I have to second the previous endorsement of Laura Brotherson’s book, And they were not Ashamed. It changed my life. My husband had porn problems before we got married (17 years now). I haven’t talked to him about it for a long time, but I am pretty sure he’s conquered it. (time for a talk?) Laura teaches how to think about sex in a positive way. It is a gift from our Heavenly Father that Satan tries desperately to destroy.
Subject:
Healing our marriage
Date:
July 11 2008 07:33:55 PM
Comments:
This is my second marriage. My first broke up over porn addiction. I found out last year that my current husband suffers from the same.
I’ve read the book Confronting Pornography but I (personally speaking) would only recommend it to the addicted spouse. For my husband, it read as though someone had followed him his whole life and helped him understand that he’s not a bad person, he suffers from an addiction and it can be beat.
In my own quest for discovery and truth I came across the book Codependent No More. This helped me see my own devastation and reactionary behavior in a more compassionate light. I’m not a bad person and am not destined to be miserable, but I cannot live my life with the perceptions I’ve had. I cannot perceive myself the way I perceive that someone else see me (read that a couple times to make sense). I’ve had to realize that I’m not in control of certain things and that the one thing I can control is me: my reaction, my self-esteem, my personal worth and my relationship with Heavenly Father. Once I hand those over to anyone, including my spouse, I’m no longer in control and am set up for an inevitable fall.
Trying to understand sexuality in a more spiritual light, I ran across this book And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson. (I was sexually abused for 11 years as a child and nearly raped twice by two men I had once called “friend”.)
This book opened an avenue in my marriage which I’ve not known was possible. It’s so personal and difficult to articulate that I’d just have to ask you to buy it and find out for yourself. Once my current husband and I were able to discuss our intimate relationship more openly, once he understood his sexual nature to be a boon in marriage rather than a necessary evil which fed into a porn addiction, he was able to open up emotionally, spiritually and intellectually to me. No matter how hard I tried to encourage him beforehand, reading this book was what he needed and showed me how to gain the testimony of sexuality that I so desperately needed also. It’s truly an inspired book and is the catalyst for much healing in our marriage.
Subject:
Thanks
Date:
July 10 2008 10:59:19 PM
Name:
Jason
Comments:
Laura, You are amazing! Your book has answered so many questions, feelings and thoughts I have had and misunderstood about intimacy in marriage. My thinking has flipped a 180. My wife laughs at me now that after 10 years of marriage that I finally understand her(or women in general). I don't know if I will ever fully understand her(lol), but I do know that it has changed my life on how I can truly love my wife and strengthen our marriage. I guess you can say I have a strong testimony of those things you teach are in good light and is what god has intended for us to know and understand about our spouse and how we think. It has definitely humbled me to the core.
I am putting the effort to make sure my wife and I have a date night. That alone has worked wonders. My wife loves surprises so half the time she has no idea what we are doing which keeps everything exciting.
Every married couple should read this book and discuss this with their spouse. You might be surprised how your communication level will increase with your spouse just by talking about intimacy. At first, as for me, it was very uncomfortable and somewhat painful to talk and hear some of the things said, but in the end I felt more emotionally close to my wife and felt more love for her than I ever have. It was amazing!!!
I am contemplating on going on the next couples cruise Laura sets up. If I could, I would try to surprise my wife with this one. Thanks again Laura for being so bold and willing to talk about a sensitive subject especially in this naive Utah community. I know you have blessed so many lives with your information especially mine.
Thanks
Date:
July 9 2008 02:23:14 AM
Name:
Dale
Comments:
I loved the book. I read it a few years ago and look back through it for help and tips once in awhile. I wish my wife would read it too. I use it as a reference when talking to couples about marriage differences. I wish I could remember to apply more of the teachings to be a better husband and father.
Subject:
Laura A Question
Date:
June 27 2008 01:31:18 AM
Comments:
Reading Steve's comments what is your stand on lingerie. Does you book discuss the topic?
Subject:
My apologies ...
Date:
June 20 2008 09:50:46 PM
Name:
Steve
Comments:
I just wandered over to the Blog and saw "Many have been using the comments section for a makeshift blog" and said "Yep that's me!"
Sorry, I was coming here to see if could delete the comment and repost it on the blog!
Thanks!!!
Subject:
Steve's "Inbounds out of Bounds" discussion
Date:
June 20 2008 09:36:18 PM
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hi Steve, I hope you won't mind us moving this discussion to the comments under the "What's Okay What Isn't Sexually" post on the Blog (under Sept 2007). Here's the link: http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/whats-okay-what-isnt-sexually/. The Blog is better for these kinds of discussions 'cuz it's easier to follow the thread of the discussion, and there are more formatting capabilities making the posts easier to read. You have good questions though. It's a common scenario for many couples. I will also post a few comments there as well.
Subject:
Inappropriate Inhibitions Question
Date:
June 19 2008 04:12:36 PM
Name:
Steve
Comments:
Sorry to dominate this commment page, but I have one more question I'd like to get your opinion on. In this talk about our different lists of appropriate and inappropriate, I noticed what I think is a common thread in her list. While I know you don't want to be the "bedroom police" or "permission giver", I think this might be generic enough to be in the "teach correct principles and let them govern themselves" catagory. My dear wife told that she thinks that "everything" that drips or leaks or sqirts out of "me" is gross. So that perception of "gross" dictates many of the things that are different on our lists. Any activity that results in anything "gross" from me ending up anywhere but one place is "inappropriate" and "out of bounds" (or at the very least "very uncomfortable").
I see this as an example of "good girl syndrome" and an inappropriate inhibitation. She sees this as simple common sense and an unfortunate fact of life. Is it too far into the "bedroom police" department to comment on if that perception from her is an inappropriate inhibition or not?
Subject:
Understanding boundaries
Date:
June 19 2008 04:00:15 PM
Name:
Steve
Comments:
Hello,
Thank you very much for your response. I sorry that the formatting was not clear. Basically, the list was several things that I think are or should be "in bounds" that my wife feels are either "right at the edge" or "outside the bounds".
I appreciate the suggestion about the bra and panty set. We have actually tried something similar, and it worked out well I think. While discussing my "like" of lingerie and my request for her to wear something "sexy" more often, she told me that one major problem for her was buying it. She felt embarrassed to go to that part of the department store, and to pick something out. I asked her if she would be ok with me buying her something, and she said yes that would be OK. I picked out something that I thought was nice but not too much, wrapped it up very nice in a nice box, and gave it too her one night. It took her a couple of weeks to get up the courage to open the box, and then a couple more weeks to get up the courage to wear it, but she did. It was great, and I love her for it. So, I tried again with another piece, and that was ok as well. She has recently mentioned that she doesn't have a pair of pretty black panties that she likes, so I am taking that on as my next mission! ;-)
Subject:
Inbounds out of Bounds
Date:
June 19 2008 12:45:04 AM
Comments:
Steve, I could not tell what was inbounds and out of bounds from what you wrote. There are things that my wife likes and dislikes. I think that is really what your wife is saying and using Deity as an excuse. She hasn’t tried something and doesn’t think she will like it for whatever reason. She may not be a brave soul. So, I have learned to take one step at a time and you may have to be the one to take the first step. Example, have you bought your wife a bra and panty set without asking her permission? Buy a sexy set and gift wrap it and get a romantic card and express your love for her, honestly and truly, not to just butter her up, but let her know that you love her. Along with the set get her a nice new shirt that is a bit long with long sleeves, with buttons she can wear over the set. Ask her to put it all on in another room where she can take her time, and get use to it. When she comes out praise the way she looks. After the shirt comes off, and don’t hurry with that, praise her, be honest and let her know how beautiful she is. Remember, one step at a time and take time. Be honest about how pretty she is using the words you know she would like to hear. Have you undressed your wife? That comes before striptease. She may never do one for you, but you take something off her and then let her take something of herself. Make it a game. My wife doesn’t like taking a shower with me, but she likes a tub for two. Adapt to put your wife at a comfortable level in a comfortable situation. One step at a time. Learn what she likes and dislikes. And remember there are things she just might not feel ever comfortable with. Don’t be forceful, but take the first step by talking and you may have to be the one to take the first step to try something to find out if it is something she might like after all. Think there are things in your life you do not like and don’t like to do them. Remember, don’t talk about what is in and out of bounds, but talk about likes and dislikes and talk about trying something to see if it might become something she would actually like. Also, and in all seriousness, there are bounds even when trying to find out what are your likes and dislikes are and don’t go out of bounds with trying different things. Be smart. Be patient. Be loving and neither you or your wife will regret it.
Subject:
"Within the bounds"
Date:
June 16 2008 01:46:22 AM
Name:
Steve
Comments:
I'd like some help and suggestions from others who are working through issues in their marriage with this book.
I found it quite interesting and telling about our marriage that we both underlined and marked the same line, but with emphasis on different parts of the statement.
We read the section about "pray for an uninhibited sex live within the bounds the Lord has set". I circled the uninhibited part, she circled the within the bounds part.
So we talked about that, and started to make a list:
Showering together - outside the bounds
Lingerie - maybe ok, but generally outside of the bounds
Strip poker/games - outside of the bounds
Strip tease - definately way outside of the bounds
You probably get the idea. But how do we address this? I love my wife, and honestly, she has come a long way. She told me the night before we got married that she couldn't imagine being naked with me - she would need to at least have a sheet or blanket over her. We are past that now after 15 years.
She can have an orgasm nearly every time we make love, so I think the mechanics are there. But she is "ashamed" of so much that I would like to do in our intimate relationship. But she is convinced, even after reading the book, that all those things are outside of the bounds the at Lord has set.
So I am looking for suggestions from other readers on how they worked through the "what is OK and what is not OK" section, and how you actually apply the ideas there. She is completely convinced that I am wrong to ask for any of that, and that I am spiritually out of tune. I am convinced she is suffering horribly from the good girl syndrome and overly inhibited.
Any suggestions would be greatly welcomed!
Subject:
Thank You doesn't seem enough
Date:
June 8 2008 09:38:43 AM
Name:
Krista
Comments:
This book has done more for my marriage than I thought possible. My husband and seemed to start off great in our intimate relationship, but as we tackled a long battle with a multitude of health problems (many of which affected my desire) I began to wonder if we would ever be happy again. As I searched one day on the internet for a solution to what seemed the insurmountable prolem of me never wanting to be intimate with my husband, I found your book. I bought it hoping for the best but not expecting much of anything. I have never been so grateful to be guided to a solution. This book has changed my life. It taught me to be open and communicate with my husband about things I felt were so sacred they should not be talked about all the time. My parents were always open with me, but somewhere I developed the idea that once you know the mechanics of it all and undestood it was okay to enjoy a physical relationship in a marriage, I no longer needed to discuss it. I also felt that my husband should just know what to do like all the guys on TV and in movies. This book opened both our eyes to each others needs and in learning to communicate in our physical relationship, every other part of our relationship has grown as well. I can't thank Laura enough for her willingness to write this book. I wish every couple had one to read and reread. It has helped make my marriage an eternal journey rather than a daily dose of resentment. (And I love "bed time" more than ever!)
Subject:
help
Date:
May 7 2008 07:43:08 PM
Comments:
I read your words to husbands to be patient and pray and avoid making wife feel bad. When I see her, I think about loving her and then I feel bad that we aren't going to love any time soon and then I get discouraged and feel like I have no say in the matter and then I feel like she has all the power because if I don't do something that makes her happy - she will not love me intimately. I try not to think about it. I pray. I have even tryed to avoid her. Currently we are not talking about any topic except day to day superficial stuff. She said we both have dug in our heels. I told her I'm done, I quit. Help
Subject:
Thanks for all you do
Date:
April 21 2008 07:01:07 AM
Name:
Ricky and Shelly
Comments:
Thank you for what you are doing. You and your husband are brave people and are doing a lot of good. We saw your book advertised in an email and we bought the book. It was kind of unusual for us to buy the book but we did. It was not a coincidence. The knowledge and faith shared in the book have blessed our marriage. We appreciate how you are helping to restore the sancitiy of sex in the marriage relationship. Indeed, as Satan tries to destroy and pollute that which is holy, we need to hold up the Lord's standard for all to see. The sexual relationship between a man and a woman is sacred and holy. You present this concept with great dignity in your book. May the Lord bless you and your husband as you continue to bless and enrich couples' marriages. Thank you.
Subject:
A True Gift
Date:
April 16 2008 05:23:06 AM
Name:
Annie
Comments:
Laura Brotherson touches on a subject that is much needed but avoided and shame-based in most Christian circles. I bought this book for me and for my husband, we appreciate it so much that I bought it for my daughter and her husband to read together. It is written beautifully and honestly and I feel must have been inspired. It is LDS based, but I agree with other reviewers that it would be very helpful to any woman or couple. I'm so thankful for her courage and I believe she must have been inspired to write it, especially to share her own personal pain and frustrations with false, though well-meaning, but very harmful messages of female sexuality in general but most especially in a religious context. I am an incest survivor, so the book has been an essential part of my healing and in developing a healthy sexual identity. There are many ways that I have been harmed sexually, however, and one of them is without a doubt the destructive messages given to women, young and old, and the obvious avoidance of open discussion about something so important and essential to a woman's well-being, and in the LDS context; marriage and her eternal role. I would suggest this as a gift for any woman you love and care about. Equally important though, I would suggest it for any good man that wants to truly love, understand, honor, and fulfill his wife in the way I believe God intended. Unfortunately, men, young and old, are also severely misinformed, not educated, and just plain taught WRONG about female sexuality. I so appreciate Laura Brotherson's courage, effort, and truly inspired willingness to share such important truths.
