Laura's Marriage Newsletter header
"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage!"
        e-Newsletter #10--May 19, 2005  (#05-5)

. . . MORE exciting developments!

1)  MARRIAGE TIP--"Myths about Intimacy in Marriage"
2)  ARTICLE--"Why Do I Keep Doing That?--Understanding
        Why We Sin"
3)  EVENTS--Couples' Seminar, BYU Idaho Education Week
4)  NEWS--TV/Radio Interviews, Weekly Radio Show w/Laura,
        "What's New!", Spanish Translation of Article
5)  COMMENTS --"Straightforward, relevant, candid advice..."
6)  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A--Why does my wife talk about stuff
        during sex?
7)  WORDS TO PONDER--Marriage and Wholeness

1)  MARRIAGE TIP--"Myths about Intimacy in Marriage"

Many myths abound about intimacy in marriage. As we confront the
negative cultural conditioning about sex, keep in mind that some of these
beliefs may not necessarily be conscious. They are often underlying
assumptions that wreak havoc on sexual fulfillment in marriage. Let's
put a few to rest...

MYTH #1--Men have a stronger sex drive than women.
CORRECT BELIEF--Husbands and wives require different approaches
to reach intimate fulfillment. Sexual desire in men and women is differently
wired, but each has exquisite sexual potential, if they will learn the intimate
intricacies of the sexual response.

MYTH #2--Good girls don't.
CORRECT BELIEF--Good girls do!...they just wait until marriage.
Women (and even some men) must reprogram the negative conditioning
they've received about sex, so that they can let go and enjoy within the
divinely approved sexual relationship of marriage. When there is little
emphasis on the joys and godly purposes of sex within marriage, sexuality
in general may seem wrong or bad. There must be an internalized
knowledge that sex is a "God-given wedding gift" that can be participated
in and thoroughly enjoyed once married.

MYTH #3--Sex is for men.
CORRECT BELIEF--Men and women are both designed for sexual
enjoyment--intended for mutual fulfillment in marriage. The female clitoris
has no other function than sexual pleasure, and women can even
experience multiple climaxes in lovemaking. These female capacities, as
designed by God, were meant to be experienced and enjoyed.

MYTH #4--Only those with perfect bodies really enjoy sex.
CORRECT BELIEF--Sexual enjoyment is not a function of having a
super-model body, but in having a healthy body image. The ability to
overlook your imperfections, to be okay with who you are, and to
psychologically let go within the sexual experience is significantly more
important to sexual enjoyment than is having a great body.

MYTH #5--Sexual fulfillment should come naturally.
CORRECT BELIEF--Sexual fulfillment requires knowledge and effort.
The intricacies of the female sexual response alone require that both men
and women become educated sexually. The fact that there is no "one-size-
fits-all" method for sexual fulfillment requires that husband and wife also
receive intimate instruction from each other.

MYTH #6--Sex should happen like it does in the movies.
CORRECT BELIEF--Mutually fulfilling intimate relations is a three-
dimensional experience--emotional, spiritual and physical. Movies rarely
show the individual intricacies of intimacy, and they also incorrectly set a
perception that women are perpetually ready and wanting--with little
effort on her part or on the part of the man.

MYTH #7--If I don't feel continual sexual desire, I must not be
a sexual person (or something must be wrong with me).

CORRECT BELIEF--Because sexual desire is wired differently in
women than men, a lack of knowledge can lead some to believe if they
are not like men, they just must not be very sexual. The truth is that
women are just as sexual as men, but have been culturally conditioned
to downplay or stifle their sexuality. Women (and men) need to have a
healthy identity as a sexual being with God-given sexual desires and needs.

Do you have any myths you'd like to share, send them to us at:

2)  ARTICLE--"Why Do I Keep Doing That?--Understanding
      Why We Sin"

If you haven't already read our recent Meridian Magazine column "Why
Do I Keep Doing That?--Understanding Why We Sin" you can check it
out at:

One reader shared the following response to the article:
"I just read your insightful article...and have found some really
good, practical and meaningful instruction there. I have read
many self-help, positive-thinking books and articles before,
but you have explained that concept here better than I have
heard it said before...I personally have benefitted from the
time and effort you spent on preparing this article, and wish
to thank you for doing so....You seem to have a gift for saying
or explaining things in a clear and understandable way. Please
continue to share with us your many helpful suggestions. You
are probably helping more people than you know."

Here are some highlights from the article:
“'Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as
springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner'...
Understanding some of the causes of sin, and developing greater
compassion for ourselves, and others, can help us be more
effective in coming unto Christ and healing our hearts of our
sins and weaknesses."

"In my own efforts to understand what causes these compulsive
behaviors and what we can do to overcome, I have become
convinced that our sins are generated by three things:
1.  Unmet emotional needs,
2.  Negative core beliefs, and
3.  Touch deprivation

"Each of us has an internal motivating force behind all our
actions of which we are mostly unaware. It is a 'mental blueprint'
of our core beliefs about our self, others and life in general."

"One of the best ways to uncover your automatic thoughts
and deeply ingrained core beliefs is to frequently write in your
self-discovery journal....Keep this notebook with you, and
spend some time every day, or as often as possible pondering
your life. Write down questions you’d like to know about
yourself, like 'What are these sad feelings really about?' or
'What seems to trigger me to binge?' Then brainstorm some
answers by free-writing everything that comes to your mind."

"Touch deprivation or 'skin hunger' generates a desire to be
touched, a yearning for physical contact, or a need to be held."

"Because we all sin differently, but sin nevertheless, it is wise
to avoid judging each other’s sins or categorizing them into
degrees of seriousness."

"My purposes in writing this article have been to provide
some helpful insights to those who are seeking to understand
'why they keep doing that' and to free themselves from sin. In
addition I hope to encourage us all to have greater
compassion not only for others and their sins, but also for
ourselves, and our sins."

To read past articles, visit our "In The News" web page at:

3)  AUTHOR EVENTS-- Couples' Seminar, BYU Idaho
     Education Week

Couples Seminar--"Strengthening Marriages Intimately"
Saturday, May 21, 2005  1-5 p.m. Curves Fitness Center, Boise
Join us for an exciting and enlightening workshop experience for
individuals or couples this Saturday in Boise. You can pre-register
online and save $5 each or register at the door--$60/couple,
$40/individual. For more information and to register visit:

BYU Idaho Education Week
Thursday, June 23 - Saturday, June 25, 2005 (Rexburg, Idaho)
Exciting classes on intimacy, and teaching your children about
intimacy in marriage will be taught by author Laura M. Brotherson
during BYU Idaho Education Week.
Visit our Events page for more information:
For the full schedule and to register visit:
For information about additional author events visit our "Events" page:

4)  NEWS--TV/Radio Interviews; Weekly Radio Show w/Laura;
     What's New!, & Spanish Translation of Article
TV/Radio Interviews. Author Laura M. Brotherson has recently
participated in multiple media events on radio (KUTR AM820,
"Healthy, Wealthy, Wow", and
television (Tiffany Berg's "Succeeding Gracefully" Show), with
invitations to return. We plan to get some of the audio and video
segments posted online for you to see and hear. For additional info,
check out the Events page online at:

Call-in Radio Show about Intimacy. On Friday, May 13 we
participated in a two-hour radio segment on the topic of "Sexual
Intimacy in Marriage" on the KUTR AM820 radio station in Utah
(and online at It was a blast! We had many
callers with intimacy questions, and had a great discussion about
many vital subjects. It was such a hit that the plans are to make it a
regular feature of the Dr. Liz Hale show. So go online and download
the media player to get ready to tune in from anywhere in the world.
Our next show will be Thursday, May 27 from 11 a.m. - 12 noon.
    **  Tune in every Thursday from 11 a.m. - 12 noon on
     KUTR AM820 (in Utah) or online at **

"What's New!" Webpage. To get a quick glance at anything new
that has been added to the website, you can check out the "What's
New!" webpage: You'll
find that information about our new radio show segment, as well as
new articles, newsletters and some event photos have been added
to our website at

Spanish Translation of "What the Scriptures Teach..." Article.
Thanks to some of our readers, one of our articles has been
translated into Spanish-- "And They Were Not Ashamed--What the
Scriptures Teach about Physical Intimacy in Marriage." We
encourage you to share this vital information with some of your
Spanish-speaking friends. You can find a link to the pdf file under
that article on the "In The News" page:

5)  COMMENTS --"Straightforward, relevant, candid advice..."
"This book is an A-Z resource for any couple that would like to
improve intimacy--Straightforward, relevant, candid advice that
will clarify the most taboo subjects and fears! Thank you Laura!"

"Laura was a top rate guest on our show! As a host of a weekly
women's television show, rarely do I find guests to be as
articulate, entertaining, smart, and personable, as Laura!"

(Tiffany Berg, TV Host,
We welcome you to share your comments at:

6)  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A--Why does my wife talk about stuff
     during sex?

In the few times my wife and I have sex, she talks about all sorts of
things and it drives my buggy. Why does she do that?

It's likely that your wife is not fully aroused or mentally engaged in the
lovemaking experience. You can pretty much guarantee if she is still
talking about anything that happened that day or what she has to do
tomorrow, etc. she is not fully aroused sexually. For women, their minds
must "turn on" before their bodies can. Remember that for women sex
is a decision, whereas for men it's a reaction. You must do what is needed
for her to want to "decide" to engage. She has to consciously choose to
participate before arousal can begin, which is then followed by actual
desire. (This is very different from how men function!)

A husband can help his wife become engaged in lovemaking by giving her
some time to slow down, switch gears/transition, and also help her warm
up emotionally by engaging in some conversation. Plan to spend some
time connecting before lovemaking even begins. This mental/emotional
preparation is pretty much essential for most women. I know men might
have a hard time understanding this concept, since they don't need any
"warm-up" time. They are pretty much ready to go at a moment's notice!

In addition to addressing any negative conditioning a wife may have about
sex, husbands can remember the four T's of the female sexual response--
Tenderness, Talk, Touch and Time. She needs to feel tenderness and love
toward you, which can be enhanced when you are aware of what
specifically makes her feel loved and then do those things. She needs you
to talk to her, listen, and connect emotionally. Let her clear her mind and
begin to fill with loving thoughts through conversation. Touch. Many
women do not receive enough non-sexual touch (affection) that doesn't
have "strings attached." Within the lovemaking experience they also need
sufficient touch/stimulation of the clitoris to become fully aroused. Be
sure she gets enough of the kind of sexual touch she likes. (She and you
both need to know what that is.) And lastly, be sure you take enough time,
or she won't even get up to bat until you've already hit home plate.

I'm sure many men can certainly relate to your frustration. Many wives
have driven their husbands buggy a time or two by not switching gears
and fully engaging mentally and emotionally! In the middle of the action
she might remember she wanted to tell him something and doesn't want
to forget. It's only if a wife is not fully engaged that she could even think
to start such a conversation. But that's what happens when the body
may be present, but not the heart and mind.

On the other side of talking during sex, many women actually need the
auditory stimulation of verbal expression to help them fully engage. This
"auditory arousal" that can heighten her excitement can be tender words
of love, admiration and desire, or it can be expressions of your own
feelings of pleasure, but only if she was sufficiently prepared mentally and
wants to be participating. Getting her to even want to engage is usually
the hardest part! I'm sorry that women can be pretty complex sometimes...
But it's worth the effort to figure her out!

7)  WORDS TO PONDER--Marriage and Wholeness
"One of the divinely designed purposes of marriage is to provide
opportunities for husbands and wives to overcome their areas of
weakness or lack, not only for the purpose of coming together to
become ONE, but also for the purpose of restoring WHOLEness
to each of them individually."
Stay tuned for more exciting developments in upcoming Strengthening
Marriage Newsletters...! Visit the e-Newsletter archive at:
"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage" is an electronic newsletter
designed to strengthen your marriage and family—written by the author of the
book "And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment
." Visit for excerpts and
reviews, or to place an order or post a comment. The author welcomes your
feedback at
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