Laura's Marriage Newsletter header
"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage!"
        e-Newsletter #13 -- October 4, 2005  (#05-8)

1~  MARRIAGE TIP -- "More Intimate Intimacy"
2~  ARTICLES -- " What’s Okay and What Isn’t " and
      "Cultivating Intimate Desire for Your Spouse"

3~  EVENTS -- Radio Interview; Couples' Valentine's Cruise
4~  NEWS --
Straight Talk Q&A Page; 3rd Printing; New Endorsements
5~  ENDORSEMENTS -- Richard and Linda Eyre, Stephen E. Lamb, MD
      and Mark D. Chamberlain, PhD

6~  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A -- "Why don't wives avoid becoming frumpy?"
Marriage's polishing process; Marriage...
      1000 times the happiness


1~  MARRIAGE TIP -- "More Intimate Intimacy"

Something's missing in your intimate relationship, but you may not be sure
what, or what to do about it. Sexual intimacy is more intricate than many of
us realize.
Profoundly meaningful sex is a learned behavior that requires
self-awareness, discomforting personal growth, and a willing offering of the
heart, mind, body and soul.

Below are some suggestions that may put you on the path toward more
intimate intimacy, and a profoundly meaningful sexual relationship. Your
alone to these suggestions can teach you valuable insights about
yourself and your comfort level with intimacy, increasing your self-awareness
regarding your intimate connection with your spouse:
1--Eyes-open foreplay. When was the last time you opened your eyes
and connected while kissing, or during other portions of lovemaking?
It's hard to keep avoiding each other, when you see the erotic
experience each other is having. Are you ready and willing to really let
yourself be seen--not just your body, but the inside of your soul?
yearn for intimate connection, but we also fear it.
Can you willingly let
someone KNOW you that well? Try opening your eyes to see and
connect with each other more deeply during lovemaking.

2--Focused-breathing and shared-breathing. Focusing on your breathing
during lovemaking can increase your pleasure by better connecting
you to your pleasurable physical sensations. Focusing on your
spouse's breathing and aligning your breath opens the door to more
intimate and connected sexual expression.

3--Increasing verbal expressions. Instead of just basking in your own
ecstasy of lovemaking, share the wealth, by sharing your experience
through verbal expressions. Instead of just lying there trying to focus
on the sensations, highlight your experience with auditory expressions
of pleasure. This may be voiced through things like "I love it when you..."
or a deeply satisfying "Mmmmm." Seeing and sharing each other's
enjoyment adds fuel to the intimate fire, and better connects the
experience as a shared pleasure between husband and wife. (For
more information, see "Learn the Art of Auditory Arousal" in Chapter 7
of And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment
Couples might also consider the suggestions in the Sensate Focus
Exercises in Chapter 12 of the book And They Were Not Ashamed to create
more intimate intimacy.

2~  ARTICLE -- "What’s Okay and What Isn’t, Part I" and
      "Cultivating Intimate Desire for Your Spouse"

Meridian Magazine now publishes Laura's monthly articles every 4th Monday
at You won't want to miss out on Laura's two
most recent exciting articles:
"What’s Okay and What Isn’t, Part I
Determining What’s Okay within the Intimate Marital Relationship"
        by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, Meridian Magazine, Sep 22, 2005 
What's okay and what isn't? It's the million-dollar question about sex,
and the most requested line of questioning I get. Yet it is also the
single most complex, delicate, and potentially dangerous topic of
discussion there is.

"Cultivating Intimate Desire for Your Spouse"
        by Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, Meridian Magazine, Aug 17, 2005
“I'm just not a sexual person. I don’t ever feel sexy." Feeling amorous
and sexy is a state of mind that many women must learn to nurture.

To read past articles, visit our "In The News" web page at:

3~  AUTHOR EVENTS -- Radio Interview; Couples' Caribbean Cruise
Radio Interview with Kevin & Laura Brotherson on Utah's AM820
Live broadcast, Thursday, Oct 6, 2005, 11:30 - 11:45 a.m.
(Radio host--Dr. Liz Hale)
TOPIC: Improving Intimacy in Marriage
For more information and to Listen Live online visit:

Couples' Caribbean Cruise--Valentine’s Day Week
February 11-18, 2006
The perfect Christmas gift and Valentine's Day gift for your
sweetheart--a romantic Couples' Cruise getaway with Stephen
Lamb, M.D. and Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE as speakers. Don't wait '
til the last minute to reserve your place on this fabulous cruise.
The demand for cruises has increased and you don't want to miss out.
For details visit our Events page: or click here for a
Couples' Cruise flyer:

For information about additional author events visit our "Events" page:

4~  NEWS -- Straight Talk Q&A Page; 3rd Printing; New Endorsements
(1) New "Straight Talk Q&A" Webpage. We appreciate your
suggestions to create a question/answer page on our website to
answer the many questions we receive, and share the answers so
that more can benefit. We have been tackling intimacy questions in
our newsletter, but hope now to make them even easier to find on the
website. We will continue to address questions in our newsletters,
but will also post Q&A directly to the Q&A page. We hope this will
facilitate a more rapid response to the hundreds of questions we
receive, since many of you have similar questions. We currently
have on our website Q&A addressing the following issues:
  • Lingerie
  • I don't like kissing
  • Wife talks about stuff during sex
  • Husband dislikes lovemaking
  • Difficulty of sexual fulfillment for women
  • Spouse won't read the book
We will continue to address and post additional questions as we can.
Check out the new webpage at:

(2) "And They Were Not Ashamed" 3rd Printing. We are excited that
our third printing of "And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening
Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment"
is under way and will soon be
completed. We have made minor changes throughout the book, as
well as some revisions to one section in Chapter 12 that had
caused some misunderstanding. We appreciate your enthusiasm
for this book, and encourage you to continue to share this valuable

(3) Added Foreword and new Endorsements. With our third printing
you'll see three wonderful new endorsements by well-known authors
and professionals attesting to the need for and value of the book
And They Were Not Ashamed
. New York Times #1 bestselling
authors of the book How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Richard
and Linda Eyre, have written a foreword that will be included in the
third printing. New endorsements by Dr. Stephen E. Lamb, author
and MD; and Dr. Mark D. Chamberlain, author and therapist, will be
added to the book's back cover. You can read portions of their
endorsements below.

5~  ENDORSEMENTS -- Richard and Linda Eyre; Stephen E. Lamb, MD;
      and Mark D. Chamberlain, PhD
"Laura Brotherson may look young, but she is wise far beyond her
years. Part of her wisdom is a gift from God, and part comes from her
meticulous attention to her homework on this very important subject
of marital intimacy. She has collected an enormous amount of
supporting information from scripture, and from writings of latter-day
prophets, as well as a vast number of insights from trusted doctors,
counselors, and therapists....this book is an invaluable resource. It
can help enlighten a new marriage, enrich a stable marriage, and
mend a flailing one....This book would be well worth the read even if
all it did for you was to help you talk to your children about sex…and
by the way, that is not all this book will do for you!"

    --Richard and Linda Eyre, New York Times #1 Bestselling Authors
        of How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
"Laura Brotherson does a wonderful job of describing the important
elements of fulfilling sexual intimacy--the spiritual, the emotional, the
mental, and the physical--and of dispelling misconceptions....a
compelling primer for any couple who wants to improve their ability
to share intimate sexual expressions in marriage."

    --Stephen E. Lamb, M.D., Coauthor of Between Husband and Wife


"...a comprehensive and well-researched guidebook for couples....
a warm and personal, yet powerfully corrective manifesto, helping
readers elevate the gift of sexual enjoyment to its divinely intended
place in our lives."

    --Mark D. Chamberlain, Ph.D., Coauthor of Willpower Is Not Enough

We welcome you to share your comments at:

6~  STRAIGHT TALK Q&A -- "Why don't wives avoid becoming frumpy?"

Why is it that I see so many frumpy looking women especially at church?
Most of these ladies would look nice if they would dress up, use a little make
up, and lose a few pounds. It's difficult enough for men (being visually
stimulated) to get through the day without having unwholesome thoughts,
being bombarded by ads and other media with beautiful, sexy women
everywhere. The temptation in the workplace is another issue. Wives can
be a strong first defense against temptation by keeping themselves
attractive and desirable to their husbands. Wives don't need to look like
models, but they can do wonders by just dressing nicely, using a little make
up, and generally being a little more fashionable. What are your thoughts?

Knowing what I know about the visual nature of men, and the readily available
temptations, I can see your concerns. I have even had one man tell me that
he truly believed the number one cause of divorce was overweight wives. I
also know that it can be frustrating and discouraging for women to feel like
they have to be beautiful and thin to keep their husbands from straying, on
top of everything else they feel they need to be doing.

The issue of letting one's self go, or just not being as attentive to one's
appearance, applies fairly equally to husbands and wives. Many men, as
well as women, gain weight and seem to let themselves go after marriage.
And I'm not sure how well husbands' bodies would fare after birthing a few
kids!  ; )

As a woman I can attest to the extra time and effort it takes to look nice.
As I laid in bed one early Sunday morning trying to find the will to get up,
after a very late night preparing a Sunday School lesson, I remarked to my
husband that it just wasn't fair that he could be up and ready to go in about
five minutes flat, while it would take me at least a half an hour! If I didn't wear
makeup or do my hair I could save myself a lot of time and effort. For many
women who might already be feeling overworked and overwhelmed, their
appearance might seem to be the only thing of which they can let go.

Maybe one thing you could do for your wife is to help take care of some
household responsibilities to free up some time for her to put on her makeup,
or curl her hair, or even to go exercise. I don't know how our family would
make it to church without my husband's help doing the morning routine with
the children, so that we can all be ready to go at about the same time.
Maybe you could genuinely offer to go walking together in the mornings,
or whatever you think might be lovingly helpful.

I appreciate my husband's help in the evenings, so that I can try to go work
out some nights. Thankfully he has never made me feel that he was
embarrassed or disappointed about my appearance, or that he expected
me to get busy and lose some weight (even when I needed to). What an
absolutely discouraging position that would be, making it much more difficult
for me to find the will or the interest to try to look my best. I wonder how
many frumpy women might just be feeling unloved, and hopeless that they
can ever look good again, and have quit trying.

Husbands can do much to help uplift and encourage their wives, having faith
in them, and encouraging their efforts. One woman told me that her husband
tells her every day how hot she is! She told me that because she feels that
her husband thinks she's attractive, she continues to work at looking as
good as she can. She said that if her husband ever stopped telling her that
she'd probably stop trying and get discouraged very easily.

I do think it is important for each of us to try to look the best we can not only
for our spouse, but also out of respect for ourselves. I know that I feel good
when I look good. I remember how difficult it was as a full-time mother of
young children when I felt frumpy-looking a lot of the time with all the
demands and sleepless nights. I know I was grateful to have date night and
church to look forward to each week, so that I could remember that I could
look decent, and for my husband to remember that he actually did have
a cute wife!

For some spouses it might be particularly hard to actually go out and buy
something nice for themselves. If it's important for you to have your spouse
wear nicer clothes, then maybe you could lovingly encourage them to go
buy a nice new outfit for themselves, or take them out on a date to do so.
It doesn't have to be expensive. Some of my best dresses have come from
second-hand stores. But sometimes people need permission to buy or do
something for themselves, when they're not sure if they're worth it, or if
they're not sure there's enough money for it.

Marriage is about doing what we can to meet each other's needs. When an
issue is particularly important to one spouse then it needs to be important
to the other. But the spouse who is concerned about it can do much to
make it more likely that his/her spouse will change. They must hold their
spouse in a space of unconditional love and acceptance, creating the best
possible conditions where the spouse is most likely to want to change. In
this environment couples can best find the desire and motivation to be
better for each other.

It's definitely a tricky situation to communicate your desire for your spouse
to take better care of their appearance, while at the same time sending a
clear message that you love them no matter what. This ability is key though,
for any spouse to be effective in helping the other make any desired changes.
Look for and reinforce the positive in your spouse, and you'll get more of that
behavior. If you only see what they aren't doing or what you don't like, you'll
just get more of that.

7~  WORDS TO PONDER -- Marriage's polishing process; Marriage...
      1000 times the happiness.
"Marriage's 'polishing process' uses each spouse as the abrasive to
finish the other's development."

    --Dr. David Schnarch


"Marriage is the way provided by God for the fulfillment of the greatest
of human needs, based upon mutual respect, maturity, selflessness,
decency, commitment, and honesty. Happiness in marriage...can
exceed a thousand times any other happiness."

    --James E. Faust


Stay tuned for more exciting information in upcoming Strengthening Marriage
Newsletters...! Visit the e-Newsletter archive at:

If you missed the last few newsletters you can catch up here:
"How to Feel More Amorous" -- Newsltr #12
"God's Wedding Gift" -- Newsletter #11

"Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage" is an electronic newsletter
designed to strengthen your marriage and family—written by the author of the
book "And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment
." Visit for excerpts and
reviews, or to place an order or post a comment. The author welcomes your
feedback at
SUBSCRIBE — If this email was forwarded to you and you would like to
subscribe, send an email to with
"Subscribe" on the subject line. Please help us spread the good news about
this valuable new resource.
UNSUBSCRIBE — To unsubscribe from receiving future information and
updates send an email to with "Unsubscribe"
on the subject line. If you receive a duplicate of this email, please let us know.
All outgoing messages scanned by Norton AntiVirus.