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Lori,
Regarding your questions and concerns, yes, there was a letter from the first presidency as you indicate, but as I understand it, shortly after that letter was sent it was retracted.
The official policy (someone correct me if I'm wrong) is that the church does not get involved in a couples' intimate life. The temple recommend question simply asks "Do you live the law of chastity?" We do have guidelines, but within those guidelines it is up to you and your spouse to determine what is appropriate. The important thing, in my opinion, is for you both to be comfortable with your intimacy (one partner should not feel coerced into doing some they are not comfortable with). As long as you and your spouse agree with what is appropriate for your marriage, I believe that you can answer the chastity question in the affirmative.
You should be commended for raising these questions and for sincerely wanting to do what is right. Make it a matter of prayer with you and your husband. Some couples will feel that for them certain things are not acceptable that other couples feel are fine. It is tough to not have a clear answer, and I would say that it really is up to you and your spouse to decide.
In my opinion, I would be careful with books that are explicit. Laura's book is great in this way. I hope these comments are helpful and I would be interested in any other comments on this topic.
Subject:
oral sex
Date:
May 19 2007
Name:
Lori J
Comments:
I am 36 years old, and my husband and I have been married 14 years. Since the birth of our children, 10 and 5, we have had sex very little in our marriage. I'm not sure why, we love each other, and yet sex doesn't really seem to be that important to either one of us. My husbands job takes him away from home 4 nights a week, and on the other nights, we usually spend all of our time with the kids.
The last few weeks, I have had more desire for sex, probably due to my increased exercise and losing 10 pounds. I feel sexy, and want my husband to "want me". He is warming up to the idea, but not to the point that I am. I know we have a lot of work to do on our marriage, and we are both committed to getting the kids to bed earlier so we can explore our relationship, and talk about important issues.
What I'm leading up to is, that since I have had more desire to have sex, I have gotten online to order massage oils, and sex aids to help make things new and different, and came across this aurgument that oral sex is not approved of by the first presidency. I had no idea. No one has ever said that to me, and I didn't realize it was even an issue. What I consider to be "unnatural, impure and unholy" basically was engaging in deviant or erotica type behavior. I've have given my husband oral sex, without any thought that it would not be acceptable to the church leaders and to God. It seemed quite natural and wonderful at the time. Now I don't know how I can ever do it again, knowing that this is an issue in the church, and I don't want to be unworthy of entering the Temple. I also don't know if the sex aids I ordered are going to be deemed "unnatural and unholy" as well. Please help me with this issue. My marriage cannot afford for me to lose interest in our new found sexual interest. This issue has really made me feel unsure of where to go at this point. Is it also wrong to have books that explain in detail, positions and ways of actually performing different acts?
The declaration that I read states, " The first presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure and unholy practice." It was written to Bishops and Stake Presidents in 1982. I know it was never officially published. How are regular members of the church suppose to know these things if nobody tells us. In your article about "What's okay, what's not." I take it that you think oral sex is okay, as long as the husband and wife are not uncomfortable with it. (please let me know if I misinturpreted that) However you also say that we should follow the counsel of the Prophets, which I whole heartedly want to do. Any help would be appreciated. I've prayed and I just feel guilty now that I may have offended God without knowing it. I have ordered you book, but haven't received it yet. Do you spell any of this out in there? I know you can't be the "bedroom police", but can you help clear up the statement made by the first presidency?
Thanks so much for you help. I love your website and have read many of your articles. They are wonderful.
Subject:
Cleared things up for me.
Date:
May 14 2007
Name:
Matt Thomas
Comments:
This book was very informative. I am 22 years old and i am currently single. I read this book a for few reasons. The main reason is because of the misunderstandings i had about sex due to past issues with media and the way they warp the views of sex. I was nervous at first to buy this book because i am single and did not want to offend the spirit. i prayed for a few months to help me understand the way sex is supposed to be with in marriage. i was referenced another book but it did not address this issues. all it said was " Men, you know what is right and wrong." that didnt help me. After much praying i happened to be looking at deseret books website and read a review about the book "They were not ashamed" The reviewer stated that it helped him with misunderstandings with sex and with whats ok and whats not. As soon as i read that i called the store and had them put a copy on hold. I was still nervous about reading it because i did not want to cause any temptation before marriage. I have read a few chapters but i make sure that i pray before and after to be able to handle the information in a mature and spiritual manner. There has been times when i have had to close the book because i was not in the right state of mind and time frame to read that specific chapter. The chapter on GGS was a great chapter. Fortunately for my sister and i we had a mom and dad who taught the positive aspects of sex rather than the negative. I discussed that chapter with my mom and she agreed with what you wrote. She worked at the lock down unit for the LDS hospital in Utah. So talking to her about this subject is not so bad. Another reason i wanted to read this book is because i have seen marriages in my family go threw hell and back and to hell again. I have been reading other books on relationships in general so i can at least start out on the right foot rather than the wrong foot. I want a happy and successful marriage and i know it can be done but i have to work for it. its not just going to happen over night. This book can cause temptation( for those not married such as I) if taken outside of its spiritual context, thats why i pray before and after for the strength to keep it at a spiritual and mature manner. Sometimes i feel like i need the so called "laundry list" because of the way the media and magazines warp the views of sex. I am not as confused about what is ok and whats not, but still am nervous because i dont want to screw things up on the first night of the honey moon. This book has been a answer to my prayers. It has helped me back onto the right track along with deep scripture study and prayer. I love this book and want to share it with my friends, when they are engaged i will probably buy them a copy. Thank you so much for the help. I am so grateful that there are people out there willing to help people like me. I realize i cant make it on my own and that i need help to. Thankfully the lord has people he has prepared to help teach people like me.
Subject:
Thank you for making our good marriage great!
Date:
May 8 2007
Comments:
My husband and I can't thank you enough for writing your book "And They Were Not Ashamed". We have studied for years trying to find answers to our intimacy problems but have come up short of the full picture. Finally, a book that is frank without being pornographic. That it is written "gospel-style" is the icing on the cake!
I feel like the pages of your book were speaking to me. My husband and I have a fabulous marriage but we have always felt bad that our sexual relationship has been mediocre at best. I realized how my conditioning from youth leaders and parents set a poor foundation for my sexual fulfillment, but then to read that there is so much more out there for us and God intended it to be that way....WOW! I felt like I had real hope for the first time in our 11 year marriage! It was so nice to know that I wasn't alone. So many of the case studies and personal stories could have been me. I'm writing this all in the past tense because I feel like my sexual insecurities and disappointments are over and I have a whole new relationship with my husband.
I have to tell you that I've had my first (and second and subsequent) orgasm after four kids and nearly a dozen years into my marriage. As AMAZING as it is, I think my husband is actually more excited about it than I am! He keeps saying, "Tell me again what it feels like for you!" He loves me so much and is so happy for us!
Also, it's not going to stop here. Your book is going to be the gift I give at every bridal shower I go to for the rest of my life and we are determined to teach our children a better way. I had a great discussion with an engaged friend home from college just last week. I told her I'll buy her your book. I feel so passionate about this that I want to share it with all my married friends! All I can say is that I was ready to hear the message in your book when I did!
Thanks for making this your mission. I can only imagine what is is like for you trying to launch this endeavor while being a wife and mother at the same time. But please know that it is worth it! THANK YOU SO MUCH for making our good marriage great!
Subject:
a book to add to your list of faves
Date:
May 6 2007
Name:
christy knott
Comments:
my husband and i bought it at barnes and nobels on our 14 anniversary weekend away and we spent the rest of the day reading this book and CRYIng, laughing, and loving together. we have bought a copy for each of our teenagers secretly to give them as a prewedding present. we try to subtly teach the principles now to them so that they will be prepared for what sex in marriage can be if God's principles are followed. thank you!
Subject:
Validating, affirming, and inspiring...
Date:
April 26 2007
Name:
Cameron Preece, Ph.D. LMFT
Comments:
I want you to be aware of how valuable your book "And They Were Not Ashamed" has been for some of my clients. I spent most of my time as a student, clinician, and professor immersed in marriage & family therapy training from a "feminist informed" philosophy among many others. I have been frustrated for some time that the LDS literature addressing intimacy / sexuality often came from male psychologists --- some well written material .... but nevertheless from a
male perspective. Having a well written book that successfully blends
truths from the fields of sex therapy and MFT with the gospel of Jesus Christ from the pen of a woman has been so validating, affirming, and inspiring for my female clients and their husbands. Thank you again for this significant contribution....I recommend your book frequently.
Subject:
I so loved the cruise!
Date:
April 5 2007
Name:
Cami
Comments:
I just wanted to let you know how much I loved the cruise. I wanted you to know how impressed I was with how you and your husband went around visiting with people and seemed to know everyone by name and even where they were from. That was so cool. Nothing seemed to ruffle your feathers. I so want to learn how to be more like that. It must truly be a gift and you are also so well read and informed about almost everything it seems, and it appears at your finger tips in seconds when needed. Do you even know how to say the word um? You are completely confident and its hard to believe you are the same age as me? You and your husband make such a cute couple. I am so impressed with all of the good you are doing.
I was talking to a friend recently and she was talking very negatively about sexuality and how it has become so evil and how we should just get rid of it because it is just ruining the world. Unfortunately, in the past (but luckily I can say it was in the past) I might have just agreed with her opinion, to get her to stop and because she was making some very good points, but without even thinking I quickly heard myself repeating some of the things you said about the beauty of sexual intimacy and how because it is so beautiful Satan is trying to make it appear differently. I didn't even give it much thought until later when I was thinking about our conversation and realized I had repeated some of the information you had shared in your classes! So I guess it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks. You so ROCK!!!!
Subject:
Thank you for opening a new world to me
Date:
April 4 2007
Comments:
I want to tell you that my husband is much more tender and sweet with me than he ever has been since finding your book. He is being more loving and considerate of my feelings on a
daily basis. This morning he was running late for work and was being
critical of my not doing things the way he wanted them done. I gently
said, "I am not sure why you are talking that way to me." He then came
over and asked for my forgiveness and said he should not have talked to
me that way. It used to be that he would deny he was being that way and
would continue to be unkind in his comments.
Then the other night when we were having couple prayer. He told me afterwards that he could not find the words to let me know how much he loved me. He was crying when he said it. I have noticed both of us have shared more of those feelings over the last couple of years since I found your book. We both are becoming more selfless and more focused on meeting the needs of the other.
Thank you for opening a world to me that I never knew existed. And thanks for making it possible for others to have the information you have painstakingly put together. God bless you for all you do for others. When I tell others about you and your book I feel like I am telling them about a trusted friend not just an author of a good book they should read. God bless you!
Subject:
Highly recommend this book
Date:
March 27 2007
Comments:
I've only begun to read through this, and i have skimmed over the whole book- so I have a general idea of what it's about- so far, I am thrilled with my choice- I was going to choose "purity and passion" but because of another customers review I was led to this book instead- I'm greatful I chose this one because it is written expressly from a womans point of view- and from one who has "been there and done that" also. The book is divided into chapters and at the end of each chapter is some 'homework'... it is great because besides addressing the physical reasons for being undersatisfied in bed it also addresses the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects which could be hindering your intimate relationship ... something that none of the other self help books my husband and I have read together have addressed. I highly recommend this book
Subject:
You've changed my whole outlook on intimacy
Date:
March 19 2007
Name:
Cherie Burton
Comments:
I wanted to tell you that your book has literally changed my whole outlook on intimacy and marriage. I am grateful that you've written such a book and will recommend it to every woman I know!
Subject:
Comments of Dec. 7, 2006
Date:
March 9 2007
Name:
Rick Schow
Comments:
I wish my memory was good enough to recall the name of the individual to whom I made reference. This type of counselling only re-enforces the huge importance of your book.
Subject:
Birth Control/Surgery
Date:
March 8 2007
Name:
Susan
Comments:
This is in answer to a comment/question from last December. I'd like to tell my personal experience with a tubal ligation. My husband and I were married in the mid-seventies and had five pregnancies in the first five years of marriage. Three were full term live births, two were miscarriages. Our first child was born with a rare genetic disease and died at four months. I immediately became pregnant and we had a healthy son, now 30 years old. Two years later, a daughter was born with the same disease as her brother. She lived in constant pain until her death at the age of 13 months and weighing less than 8 LBS. Following this, my husband and I decided not to risk any more pregnancy. I took the birth control pill for several years but the constant fear of failure and the consequences another severely ill child would cause to our family put unbeliavable stress on our sexual relations. I started considering surgery and spoke to my doctor about it. I knew the Church was not in favor, so when a member of the First Quorum of Seventy visited our stake for a conference, my husband and I spoke with him. He told us not to interfere with the vessels that carry life. He also asked us to consider what would happen if one of us were to die and the other remarried and wanted more children. We were in our early 30's by then. A year later, we were able to have a second conversation with him in Salt Lake. One day that my period was late and that I was beginning to panic and wondering how we could ever bring into the world another child condemned to a life of excrutiating pain, disability, and almost certain death, I reflected on the argument the General Authority had made and found it wanting. There I was, married to a man I loved. Why should I be concerned with a second marriage that might never take place when I had a prefectly good eternal marriage that was disintegrating right before my eyes. As soon as i found out I was not pregnant--I actually had an early miscarriage--I made the appointment to have my tubes tied. I was back in college at the time and had no time to specifically pray about this, I just knew that was the right thing to do. I informed my husband I was having it done and that it was not open for discussion. I think he was relieved. Four weeks later when I came out of sugery, I had no regrets and have never had ONE SECOND THOUGHT. We've now been married for over 32 years and over the years were been able to rebuild our sex life. At 53, menopause has not hit me yet; I shutter to think what the last 21 years would have been like had I worried every month about a pregancy.
I know I made the correct choice.
Subject:
2007 Couples Cruise
Date:
March 5 2007
Name:
Marty & Barbi Cooper
Comments:
Both of us had the time of our lives! We didn't want to leave the ship. The best part of the cruise was just being together with others who share our same values. And like Cindy said, it was nice to hear others with the same concerns that we've had. I've recommended the cruise to several other couples, so you might see us again! Actually, Marty has not stopped looking at more cruise options. He'd like to go from one cruise to the next! Nutty guy!
And to the lady who wrote feeling that she'd be the oldest of the group, not even close! I'm in my upper 40's, and there were others older than me! Great mix of people for sure. And really good advice for the newly married and NOT so newly married. Thanks for all the hard work Laura. I hated to have some of the sessions end, we could have gone on forever!
Subject:
Couples Cruise
Date:
March 5 2007
Name:
Cindy & Sean
Comments:
Thanks sooo much for the couples cruise! We had the time of our lives! We absolutely loved the cruise, everything about it! It was our first one so the pampering was unbelievable, I could live like that!!!!! The seminars were great, thank you so much for what you are doing, I definitely needed your wisdom. The cruise and the seminars were definitely a 10! I think dinners together was one of my favorite things because we had such a good time with our new friends!! It was great to go on a cruise knowing that you already had a lot in common with everyone else. We became instant old friends. The Newlywed game was great also. I loved it. I liked the question and answer sessions too. It was comforting to hear other people had some of the same questions as I have, but didn't ask. I have recommended this cruise to my family and friends, and I have even apologized to those I should have invited this time! Thank you again so much, we loved it, loved it, loved it!!!
