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I have a question. I have two married children that get complained about because they will stroke eachothers hair or smile at each other and lean their heads on their spouses shoulder in public. I cannot believe the number of complaints I get that they should take it to the bedroom. For some reason it does not bother me. I am so delighted that they love each other and I view it as them having a very healthy marriage. None of them does anything offensive or improper. Has our society come to the point where any affection between a couple is viewed as pornographic. I have wondered if the people who are complaining are not happy with their own marriage or are loaded with the Good Girl Syndrome. Or is something wrong with my and our kids and their spouses?
Subject:
to " the man who wrote for advice on "love"
Date:
January 11 2009
Name:
One on the other side who has be
Comments:
to the man who wrote "What ideas does anyone out there have about developing the ability to love in the absence of feeling loved?"
The best advice I have is from experience. The first thing to do is forget yourself and werve your wife. Make sure no strings are attached. And the most important thing is to pray individually and as a couple. The Lord knows your hearts and the needs and wants of each of you. Be humble enough to seek for His help and listen to and follow what He prompts you to do. I know it works because it did for me. It has been over 3 years since I found Laura's book and I can say my husband's and my relationship has blossomed into a very romantic and sweet one. Whereas before he could have said the same things you did. However, he would have been very wrong, as I loved him very much. My problem was in faulty programing. I was loaded with the Good Girl Syndrome and it took a lot of serious study and prayer and effort to overcome it. I think I am finally free of it...well lets say I recognize it now and am able to break free of it when it creeps in again. That decision to over come the GGS Syndrome worked miracles in my marriage. I cannot help but wonder if your wife might be thinking your wife loves you very much but does not know how to speak your love language. Try speaking hers and see if she comes around. Remember, the One who knows both your hearts is willing and able to help.
Subject:
So many answers
Date:
January 5 2009
Name:
Rachel
Comments:
I just have to say that Laura’s book has given me so many answers. My husband introduced it to me and he is very thankful that I was open to the idea of reading it. He was amazed at how quickly I began to open up to him. I never realized just how closed off I had been in the past. My desire to be close to him in all areas got stronger. He can finally show his love for me and I don’t brush him away. I understand my husband much more and realize now that his intentions are pure and I am more able to accept his loving touches and can give them in return. Now it’s kind of funny that my desires for him have grown so much that he can’t keep up with me! It’s like there has been a major role reversal. I find myself doing more to make sure he is happy and that his needs are met so he will be able to let go in the bedroom. That used to be what HE did for ME. We are learning to find that balance, but I am forever grateful to Laura Brotherson for writing this book. Thank you. My job now is to spread the word and to properly teach my children about sexuality. Satan is working overtime to make beautiful and holy things seem wrong or twisted. Sexual relations in marriage is the best thing in life!
Subject:
Ideas for giving love
Date:
January 2 2009
Comments:
I know it's hard to give love when your don't feel it's coming back. Some of what I've learned came from caring for difficult babies and toddlers who require so much time, attention, and love, and may not show any love back. You never give up on them! When you feel the temptation to give up - serve. Think of what Christ would do. He loved endlessly no matter how people treated him. Put your spouses needs and desires above your own and then be patient. Expressing your struggles through letters may help also. Your wife may need time to think about how she might be behaving without a confrontation. Last but not least, pray. Pray for her and for you. Pray that you will know how to communitcate your feelings and pray that her heart will be softened. I wish you the best.
Subject:
Love
Date:
January 2 2009
Comments:
I appreciate the comment "my role is to love and to encourage my wife even if I feel she is not returning love in the way that I need to feel loved."
This is my biggest struggle- being able to reach out and to love in the absence of feeling loved myself. Giving love is easy when you feel loved yourself. But I really struggle to love when I feel my wife has little need for me and that she has little regard for my needs.
What ideas does anyone out there have about developing the ability to love in the absence of feeling loved?
Subject:
THANK YOU
Date:
December 31 2008
Comments:
THANK YOU for all of your work! I think you would have been a great writer no matter what subject you wrote about, but combining those skills with your insight and passion about the importance of oneness in marriage is truly groundbreaking. I have read about a dozen other books trying to "fix" my relationship with my wife. None hold a candle to yours and none of them seemed direct enough. I have not been able to "fix" my intimacy issues with my wife, but reading your book has helped me feel like my feelings are proper and right. That has helped me to resist getting as depressed and falling to temptations. I know my role is to love and encourage my wife even if I feel she is not returning love in the way that I need to feel loved. I just wish she would read your book. In counseling she has been diagnosed with depression, which I would have never figured out as she is a "go go go" woman and to me never seems "down". Anyway - thanks again and keep up the GREAT groundbreaking work.
Subject:
best Thanksgiving ever!
Date:
December 10 2008
Name:
Terry Olsen
Comments:
I had to share how our son surprised his wife for Thanksgiving. With Christmas gift giving being a challege for a lot of people this year due to the economy and sometimes from lack of ideas, here is one that is sure to bring tears and hopefully ideas:
This is to inform all that the greatest man on Earth is taken... he's mine!
I'd consigned myself to my first Thanksgiving away from not only family, but my hubby, too. I was sad about it, but this is what we signed up for, and at least he's not deployed and we get him for Christmas.
Last week he told me about a gift he was mailing me. He explained that I would get a series of e-mails, but not to open any of them until he said it was "time." For a fleeting moment I thought he might be coming to visit me and that all the fuss about timing would be around his flight schedule. When he explained on Monday that I'd have to wait until the kids were in bed to start the e-mails, I knew I'd been foolish hoping for a visit.
I made sure the kids were in bed by 8:30 last night and anxiously waited. The mailman had delivered a fairly small package that day, but I was under strict orders from Fred not to open them until he gave the "go." He had insisted it was something I've always wanted. Looking at the small, insignificant package, I had NO idea what could possibly be in it that I've "always wanted."
Finally he sent me an instant message online giving me permission to open the first e-mail, which was telling me to be sure the kids were asleep and reminding me NOT to open the gift yet. Done.
So Fred said I could open the 2nd e-mail. It gave me instructions:
1. Get changed into something very comfortable, such as warm pajamas
2. Grab a warm blanket
3. Make some hot chocolate
4. Turn the lights low in the living room
5. Open the package and proceed to ‘E-mail #3’
6. DO NOT read the letters, yet (the package had 2 letters in it)
He instant messaged me to take as long as I needed to feel totally relaxed. I felt a little funny, but I did as told to get comfy. I finally opened the package and found a DVD and a CD. The CD was Josh Groban's Christmas CD, "Noel". Yes, I really have wanted that one.
The DVD was so unexpected. I've always expressed how badly I want a house with a fireplace. Yes, I know all the hazards and mess they can be, but some of my fondest childhood memories are of sitting near my parents' glowing fireplace, chucking our Christmas wrapping paper into it, cooking chestnuts, warming up by the fire after Christmas caroling, and just the ambiance only a crackling fire can create. So, you pop in this DVD and can select whether to watch a crackling fire full screen, morphing your television into a mantle, or you can view a full fire place, tastefully adorned in holly. You can also opt to watch it with the natural crackling and popping, or with a lovely arrangment of soft instrumental Christmas music.
SO, my instructions were to turn on the fire without the music and turn on the Josh Groban CD, while sipping my hot chocolate and snuggling the cat (I swear the cat was in on it). I was to listen to the first 2 tracks and then open the #1 letter from the package during the 3rd song.
The 3rd song is Josh Groban's adaptation of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" with parts of the song consisting of expressions of love from deployed servicemen to their families. Of course I burst into tears, not for myself, but thinking about all the families and servicemen spending the Holidays apart.
The letter was so sweet. He wistfully told me how much he misses and loves me, often feeling lonely and wishing I was with him. He even made a few adorable comparisons to Twilight's Edward and Bella's feelings for each other. It made me laugh through the tears.
I was then to call him. He didn't answer the first time, which mildly annoyed me, so I tried again a couple minutes later. This time he answered and asked what I thought. I started crying again and he certainly sounded pleased with himself. I told him he's the most wonderful man in the world and that he was right: he had given me something I've always wanted (the "fireplace").
He said I could open the final letter. I struggled to get the tape off #2 and finally opened it to read:
"Please rescue your poor freezing hubbycicle out back! L-l-l-l-l-l-ove!"
I was too stunned for a moment to do anything. I started saying, "NOOOO, no way... no way." I finally got up and turned on the back porch light, opening the blinds. AND there he was, grinning at me! I was SO SHOCKED! I managed to open the door and fell into his arms sobbing. I just couldn't take it all in!
When he kissed me, I teased him that even though he'd been waiting in the cold, his lips weren't icy like Edward's. He laughed and explained he'd only been back there about 1 minute.
Here's how his scheme had worked:
He arranged with our friend Kaylon to pretend to be Fred, instant messaging me with Fred's IM name. He was on the phone with Kaylon, telling him exactly was to type to me, so I NEVER suspected anything on that end.
When Kaylon had told me to "take my time" it was because our friend, who picked up Fred from the airport, missed a turn on the way home. Unlike most logical places in the US, in Ohio when you miss a turn, it may be miles before you can backtrack, so they suddenly didn't know how long it would take to get home.
When I called Fred the time he didn't pick up, it was because he wasn't close enough yet. Our friend drove like crazy and managed to drop Fred off just a couple minutes before I opened that final letter. So Fred never got the chance to get truly icy.
SO, I cuddled with him on the couch in disbelief until we dragged ourselves to bed. I was still not convinced the whole thing wasn't a dream. I had talked myself out of hoping for this!!
This morning was so sweet. When Gregory came in to wake me, he was (obviously) surprised and delighted to find his papa, and crawled right in bed with us, hugging Fred excitedly. The girls were excited, too, although Leora's still warming up to him. They made waffles all together. It's been such a WONDERFUL morning!
SO, as I began, sorry ladies, but the greatest guy in the world is taken... and he's mine.
FYI: Fred has been at training in Mississippi in the first week of October. They thought he was not going to be home until two days before Christmas. He told my husband about it two weeks ago and swore him to secrecy. I was bawling as I was reading the e-mail to him and when I asked if he thought it was sweet what Fred did, he nonshalantly told me he knew about it for two weeks but was sworn to secrecy. They are good.
Subject:
Very complete for Bride-to-Be
Date:
November 25 2008
Comments:
I'm not married yet, but this book has been so helpful in preparing me for being married in about a month. I love how she addresses how many LDS girls feel. She presents a very complete and comforting picture of a healthy marriage (physically, spiritually, emotionally). Very tasteful.
Subject:
Didn't think I needed it...
Date:
November 10 2008
Name:
Rachel Haskin
Comments:
My husband and I have always had a strong marriage. We've been married for 9 years and have 5 children together. I would have never even thought to read a book on intimacy. In preparation for our very first "get-a-way" vacation my husband thought it would be good to get a book on enriching marriage. He found "And they were not Ashamed" and was impressed to buy it. I have felt nothing but gratitude since reading this book. I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and to my husband and kids. I feel so enlightened and I want to get the book for all of my friends and family. I'm so glad we found this book while our children are still young and impressionable. We are working at undoing any negative conditioning we may have already caused our children to have. I really never knew what I was missing and could have gone my whole life being unfulfilled sexually. I know there are so many coulples out there that can use this book whether they think they need it or not. Thank you so much.
Subject:
sad
Date:
November 8 2008
Comments:
just read your comments about gay marriage and mental health- I hope that God will somehoew show you how wrong your views are ;just like your church once discriminated against african americans your views are so narrow and hateful....I go to church every Sunday, one that is open and affirming to all people...I will pray for you and all people like you
Subject:
Meridian article
Date:
September 24 2008
Name:
Debra Gessel
Comments:
I did enjoy your article in Meridian magazine today. I wanted to compliment you on it, but also warn you that the phrase "sick and tired of" is overused and not well received. I know what it means, but I think there are better ways of saying the same thing that come across more sensitively. Lots of love, and best wishes. Debbie
Date:
September 22 2008
Comments:
Laura,
I just wanted to thank you for the book "And They Were Not Ashamed". After 7 years of a disappointing sexual relationship with my husband, I read your book and it was like a mental brick wall finally being torn down. You're book opened up a whole new world for us and I will forever be grateful for that.
Subject:
heaven sent
Date:
September 17 2008
Comments:
My husband and I have an all around great relationship. We are madly in love with eachother and have a wonderful family. We already do naturally a lot of the "good relationsip skills" But we have struggled in our intamacy as of lately. It has been a source of great frusteration. It has deteriorated to the point that we both knew that if we didn't figure this out, it was going to destroy many of the good things we have going for us. We already have a close friend in our ward who has divorced over sexual differences and frusterations. I was scared to death we were headed that way. My husband had pornography in his past and I have sexual abuse in mine. Not the best combination of baggage. Our sex life has been awesome and passionate until we were done having kids. There have been issues we have skirted around for many years and now, we can't avoid them or brush them under the rug. What was right, what was wrong has controlled us. Letting go and trusting my husband completely for me was a scarey thing. The way I stumbled across this book is no coincidence. It has been a true directed answer to many prayers. I have read all the LDS books on intamacy (several times) and they were all nice, but didn't really come out and give me detailed answers. It is so hard because who do you talk to when you have sexual problems? It is such a private personal thing- but so essential to peace and happiness. I really appreciated the details and straight forward approach. Every marriage needs this book of instuction and technique! Sex is a natural thing, BUT the technique for women must be learned. Thank you so much for providing this for so many of us!
Subject:
Great book for couples looking for answers
Date:
September 16 2008
Name:
R. Davis
Comments:
This book did a great job of expressing new ideas on how to create/enhance emotional and physical relationships in marriage. The author looks at potential issues from both spouses point of view (male/female) and presents fundamental approaches to work thru any anger and resentment.
It also challenged me on how to educate my children on sexuality in such a way as to not cause stigmas in their future relationships.
For me, this book and the exercises within saved my marriage.
Subject:
Laura's reply re: finding a counselor
Date:
September 15 2008
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
This is in response to the comments posted on September 12, 2008 regarding how to find a counselor... I have created a "Resources" page with links to various good sources for finding marriage counselors (sort by topic "Finding a Counselor"). I also provide additional information in Appendix II of my book "And They Were Not Ashamed." In the past I have been doing email and phone consultations, but have recently discontinued them due to my graduate studies. If you are in need we could set up a one-time session to give you some information and hopefully get you headed in a helpful direction. You are welcome to send me an email, and I will respond as soon as I can.
