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I feel like that person who posted about healthy intimate relationships of older couples on May 11, 2009, was talking about me and my husband. It is refreshing to finally see someone say that those characteristics are healthy and not yucky. A young married woman in my ward told me last week that she loves watching me and my husband because we look like a very happy couple. I did not realize people were watching us. We are just who we are. We sit right up against each other, holding hands or he has his arm around my shoulder and I have my hand on his leg. We often catch the other's gaze and smile or give the look that says, "I love you" or blow a kiss towards the other one. When my husband's calling have required him to sit on the stand, I sit where I could get a good look at him and will give him looks that let him know I love him. One day, a young adult woman who was sitting next to me said, "I love the way your husband looks at you." That made my day! Someone I mentioned it to said she fakes it until it takes hold, so no one knows if she and her husband are not getting along. As she said that, I realized, my husband and I do not fake it. We own our own business and are together almost 24/7. I love it! Don't get me wrong, we have our moments, but they are rare. People who come into our office often comment that they cannot believe we are married because we seem to get along so well. We have been married 31 1/2 yrs and I feel like it just keeps getting better and sweeter each day. I think we had a very good relationship before I bought Laura's book in March 2005, but, our relationship has gone from a nice garden in a spot of a back yard with a nice sprinkling of flowers, to a huge pasture filled with briliant colored flowers of all sorts and shapes, filling the senses with wonderful smells and beauty. I find myself literally craving his touch and to be with him all the time. He is not only my sweetheart but my best friend. The one regret I have, is that I did not find Laura's book sooner. Laura helped me realize who the author of sex is and after I got over the honeymoon stage, I still find my sexual relations with my husband full of fireworks and new discoveries. We can now talk about anything and I mean anything about sex, where before I read Laura's book, I thought it was sinful to even say the word or think about it. I am surprised we got through those years with our marriage in good shape. Laura, I have said it before and I will say it again, "You are one of my heros! THANKS from the bottom of my heart!
Subject:
Characteristics of healthy intimate relationships
Date:
May 11 2009
Comments:
I just read your current article in Mormon Times, "Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship." I agree that your 20% figure is probably too high. I for one am in a marriage relationship with no physical relationship. I think I can kind of pick out couples that do fit your four points. To me they are the more mature couples that sit with no space between them. Hold hands and yes put an arm around the other and maybe play with hair. They look longingly into each others eyes which stay fixed when they talk to each other. They hold hands as they walk through the halls and when they part hold onto each other until they are forced to let go.
There have been times in my own marriage when this description fit my marriage. But it's little things that ones does, sometimes innocently, that seem to drive that wedge between couples. And it seems one partner or the other moves the goal a little further away each time those little things happen. Eventually the goal line is so far away that one will never reach it in the years left to them.
I pray that that will not happen to us but, alas the human foibles.
I enjoy reading your columns and yes I learn a thing or three each time. Thank you for that.
Subject:
Thanks for your work
Date:
April 22 2009
Name:
Robert
Comments:
Just wanted to thank Laura for her recent column -- "The Surprise Grab Bag of Marriage." I not only enjoy a continually-rewarding marriage of fifty-three years, but have counseled couples as a priesthood leader and in other situations, during most of that time. In this article, Laura was able to articulate a number of fundamentals of marriage success that successful couples have learned but have great difficulty finding words to express well to others. Often, the best we manage is to say,"Yes, we've had that challenge too. Just hang in there and it will work out." That is of course not very helpful to someone in crisis. Laura shares insights that make a real contribution. Keep up the good work.
Subject:
Preparing for Marriage -- Response
Date:
April 21 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hi Trevor,
I'm very sorry to be so slow getting to you on your good questions. I've moved your comment over to the Blog under the Open Forum so that it's easier for others to respond as well (http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/misc/open-forum-discussions/#comment-1183). I've also included a link there to an article “From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After—Preparing for an Intimately Fulfilling Relationship,” that I think may be helpful to you as well. Feel free to respond further on the blog.
Subject:
Preparing for Marriage!!
Date:
March 30 2009
Name:
Trevor
Comments:
HEY EVERYONE! OR LAURA... It seems that many people are getting the book as an enrichment or help for marriages, which is wonderful and I'm sure we will always seek enrichment later on... But we're just starting. Getting married in a couple months. And we're open to advice. One of the books we read was so doom and gloom, using what felt like scare tactics about how difficult marriage is, we felt horrible reading it. We don't have any problems with each other, quite the opposite! I would like your opinions on how much to talk about sex, as we're just starting. Pre-honeymoon, and the first few months. Much of the info available sounds great, but I don't want my wife to feel overwhelmed. I personally feel like I'm pretty sensitive and I don't know if I want her to feel like she's having sex as a duty or for my sake. She seems like she IS very excited about sex and will be. If i am sensitive and caring, i feel like it will only get better. I feel like I can be very giving and let things go naturally as we talk about everything. We're very open already. Of course we will learn beforehand about how sex works and I will definitely have learned how to make it enjoyable for her sexually. If we're open, do you think we could do without reading too much? I DO feel like STARTING with ideas presented in "And They Were Not Ashamed" before marriage will be much nicer than trying to change things for people who have already been married for a while, but what do you think would be best in our case? Thanks!!!
Subject:
Thank you for this groundbreaking book
Date:
March 17 2009
Name:
Julie
Comments:
I was just reading through your book again as preparation for a class I'm teaching. What an inspired resource you have created. Kudos for making a difference for good in the lives of so many who suffer in silence due to lack of sexual intimacy in marriage! You are a fantastic writer and this truly is a groundbreaking book. Thank you!
Subject:
Thank you
Date:
March 11 2009
Comments:
Just want to say thank you for this book. I have been using "And They Were Not Ashamed" in my practice regularly with great success. It is a book that is very necessary and of immense value to many couples.
Subject:
Re: "And They Were Not Ashamed" in Spanish?
Date:
February 2 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hi Richard,
The book "And They Were Not Ashamed" is not currently available in Spanish unfortunately. It may be available at some point if there was sufficient demand. We currently have one of our articles "What the Scriptures Teach about Physical Intimacy in Marriage" (from Ch 2) that was translated into Spanish. You can find it on the "Articles" page down towards the bottom. Hope this is helpful.
Subject:
In Spanish
Date:
January 31 2009
Name:
Richard Todd
Comments:
Can I get "And They Were Not Ashamed" in Spanish?
Subject:
Response to "Healing from internalizing sexual abuse stories"
Date:
January 28 2009
Comments:
I am very much the same way in that I have to be very careful with what I watch on TV and what stories I choose to listen to. I had a lot of negative conditioning from TV as a teenager that I most recently was able to get rid of. As far as it getting in the way of physical intimacy with your spouse - I don't know. It sounds like it may be an excuse and their are some deeper reasons for the aversion. I think her mind needs to be filled with as many good stories as possible so the negative ones don't override. If she is turned away from kissing and touching because of a story or image, sounds like she needs to be taught that physical intimacy within marriage is good and aproved by God. I'm sure Laura's book would help. It helped me tremendously.
Subject:
Laura's Phone Consultations on Hold
Date:
January 23 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hi Randy, I apologize for the confusion. I put doing phone and email consultations on hold for a time while I finish my last couple years of graduate school. I am working on a Marital Intimacy Therapist Registry though that I hope will provide other good counselor referrals in the interim. I'll post more about that on the "What's New" page and on my blog when I get that pulled together. I sincerely apologize. It kills me to not be able to help as I would like to during this time. I hope people will find my newsletter, articles, blog posts and Q&A somewhat helpful in the meantime. You can also email me if you'd like. I do read everything even though I am not able to respond to everything personally.
Subject:
Phone Consults
Date:
January 23 2009
Name:
Randy Gibbs
Comments:
I clicked on "P Hone Consults" on the website and it gave me nothing, thinking I was asking for a product. I want to talk with Laura about phone/email consults. How do I do that?
Thanks,
Randy
Subject:
Healing from internalizing sexual abuse stories
Date:
January 19 2009
Comments:
My wife internalizes everything. Her imagination is extremely vivid and seems to always be much more affected by stories,then, anyone else I know. If she watches even a small amount of violence she has nightmares for weeks. She heard a terrible story very early in our marriage about a "sexual predator that licked a little girl's entire body to prime her for intercourse". Evidently, after nine years of marriage and sexual frustration and on her part aversion...we have finally identified that it wasn't a history of her abuse but this story that has so deeply affected our relationship. Before she had heard this story only months into our marriage she had been very free about being touched sexually. After having heard this story she closed up and never allowed much touching. This has been a very big source of relief to finally identify. However, she has not healed from having internalized this. She associates all touching, kissing of anything but the face as incredibly creepy. Please help us finally put this story behind her. What can she do to forget or divorce herself from the story?
Subject:
On loving a spouse who gives no love to you
Date:
January 12 2009
Comments:
Just a quick comment in regard to the question about how do you express love in the absence of being loved. Of course, the counsel on loving others without strings attached on what might be returned is critical, and at times giving love with no expectation of receiving it back is important. But adult spouses are not babies. They are thinking human beings with agency. To withhold love from a spouse, or affection, consistently over time is soul-destroying, and abusive. There may be many reasons that someone does this, and understanding them is important. However, a marriage consists of two companions, and endless willingness to be mistreated or abused by an uncaring or unloving spouse is not wisdom. Patience, compassion and time can heal some such wounds, but not for all, and the spouse who is victimized by another withholding love should not be feeling guilty about that - it is no virtue to allow behavior that is clearly unkind, uncaring or abusive. This is not meant to sound harsh, but it comes from one with long experience in working with such couples.
Subject:
Public Display of affection
Date:
January 12 2009
Comments:
In response to how much affection is appropriate to show for your spouse in public, I believe it depends on the setting.
For example, I remember trying really hard to concentrate in a stake conference meeting because seated right in front of me was a couple which stroke each others hair, smiled to each other and placed their heads on each other's shoulder throughout the entire two hour meeting! That same behavior would not have been a distraction to me if we were at an out door concert seated on the lawn.
