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I just saw your article on Meridian Magazine, and thought you might like this analogy a friend of mine shared.
Dirt--
(can't remember- a seminary teacher somewhere)
A seminary teacher was trying to teach a rather delicate topic and not making any headway. He finally took the class outside, asked the kids what was the cause of all the life around them- the trees, flowers, grass...
Dirt? NOOO, NOoooo, Nooo... it's Soil.
With the nutrients in the soil, the plants could grow, bloom, and produce their various seeds.
He then took the kids back inside, and he took a handful of soil from a potted plant and crumbled it, scattering it all over a desk, a student's lap... making a massive mess...
He asked his students what it was now... Just filth.
Just as sex in the right context and place is a beautiful thing, when it's scattered all over or in the wrong place/time, it's just filth.
Subject:
Recommending it to all couples
Date:
November 18 2009
Comments:
My husband and I feel that after reading your book a year ago, we have the responsibility to help other couples out there that may be in need of "enlightenment" when it comes to marital oneness. We have been giving this book to friends and family and feel it's a "must read" for every couple. My brother-in-law, who is a family doctor, even gives this book to his patients who may inquire about sexual problems. My husband and I can now honestly say that we feel physical intimacy in our marriage is the way that God intends it to be - absolutely wonderful!
Subject:
Some Comments Moved to Strengthening Marriage Blog
Date:
October 27 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hello Everyone! I have moved some of the comments that were posted here -- those asking for a response -- to our Strengthening Marriage Blog "Open Forum 2" discussion page (http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/misc/open-forum-2-discussions/) so that it's a little easier for people to respond. If you don't see your comment here, then it has been moved. I apologize for not being able to respond to every question. The blog makes it easier for others to respond to the questions as well. I hope to address some of these questions in my new online Marital Intimacy Show episodes (www.TheMaritalIntimacyShow.com). If one has the question, others likely have the question as well. I hope this website continues to be a valuable resource for all even when I am not able to respond personally as often as I would like.
Subject:
Sexual Intimacy among aging partners
Date:
September 24 2009
Name:
William Bonner
Comments:
Although I have not read your books, every thing that I read in your newsletter and blogs are "right on." One thing which you "youngsters" in the field don't emphasize much is the need for intimacy for long-time lovers, partners, or spouses, particularly where physical changes affect satisfaction. Most women appreciate the attention, and even the release that comes with orgasm, whether induced by manual stimulation of the clitoris preceded by petting, or by cunnilingus. The male also enjoys this, but inability to obtain or maintain an erection often prevents actual coitus. Whether psychological or caused by medication to deal with other issues, such as diabetes or high blood pressure, this inability gets in the way of full satisfaction. As always, insightful communication of the needs of each partner is necessary. Nothing should be ruled out in a Christian marriage because of taboos which were inculcated at an early age.
Subject:
I enjoy sex so much more now
Date:
September 21 2009
Comments:
I've been meaning to share some comments with you for a long time. My sister in law mentioned your book and how great it was during a family gathering some time ago. I came across it later and felt impressed to buy it. As I started reading it, I quickly became aware that my sex life was not satisfying me. My husband and I had been married for almost five years at that point. As I read your description of a female orgasm, I thought, that's not what happens to me! I had been aroused before, but I didn't realize I could have a reaction like my husband had. I engaged in sex for him, not for me. There were times the frequency wasn't enough for him. I tried to please him, but I was not fulfilled sexually.
I didn't realize how patient we needed to be with clitoral stimulation until I read your book. Your book taught me so much about the female sexual response and also about how important sex is to a man. It opened up the sexual subject in our marriage and made my husband more of a priority to me. It made us more in love. Thank you so much (and a big thanks from my husband) for the improvement you have made in this special and crucial aspect of our life. I also wanted to mention that I enjoy sex so much more now and I have orgasms and I am much happier with our sex life. Thank you for making such a difference in our marriage! I can't thank you enough for the increased happiness you have brought into our marriage. We will continue learning and improving together.
Subject:
Marriage
Date:
August 31 2009
Name:
kendro
Comments:
I like the work you are making. God plan is that men and women shoul be one flesh. When you promove any kind of position for the relationship of both spouse is really posible that a man and a woman can practice a position when a man is back of a woman Leviticus 18:23? or it depends of the mind of both? Is correct a woman want to depilate her power creation also a man? if they are in agrement this practice promove oral sex? In the the old testament talk about a lot of sexual perversions but this in not talk on the scriptures.
Subject:
I need a Miracle
Date:
August 29 2009
Name:
Amy
Comments:
I purchased your book And They Were Not Ashamed today.
I pray that it can help our marriage. We've been married for over 13 years and I've never had an orgasim. My husband worked so hard to help me when we first married. Now he is tired and I do all of the fore play for him. By the time he is finished, I am beginning to feel affectionate. He is a good man but after 7 years of marriage, I discovered that he was additiced to porn. He is doing great now, but comments that he has made won't leave my mind when we're together. Comments like, "I'm not attracted to you. I don't find your body sexy. I'm embarrased of the way you look." That has been over 6 years ago and I still can't be totally undressed when we're together. I don't blame him. I have put on 80 pounds in 13 years. Sounds gross huh? I feel sorry for him also. He must feel as hopeless about eternity as I do. I can never measure up to what he wants. I look forward to reading you book and pray it can help me like myself and to feel that Heavenly Father could love me even with allllll my imperfections. I also want my husband to feel truly satisfied with me as his eternal companion.
Thank you.
Subject:
"A Miracle"
Date:
August 29 2009
Name:
Annie
Comments:
I am a counselor for LDS Family Services. One of my couples who had only been in twice, read your book and by the next time they came in they were "All Better!" The wife declared that this book changed her life and they will only be back for counseling as a "check-up" every once-in-a-while. I decided it must be a "must-read" and I am half-way through the book myself! I was so excited to read about "one-ness"! When I had just returned home from my mission, my grandpa asked me if I knew the best tool God had given us to understnad the Atonement... "it's marriage" he said. "Heavenly Father has commanded us to become one with our spouse, and that oneness is the very essence of the Atonement!...if we can learn how to be one as husband and wife, we will better know how to be one with the Savior." Your book validates his point and expands upon it! I share your passion for SAVING MARRIAGES! and I'm thankful for this helpful resourse to do so! Not to mention that MY hisband will likely be delighted with the new things I have learned :) Thank You!
Subject:
Women need sexual fulfillment too
Date:
August 18 2009
Comments:
My husband and I have only been married for 3 1/2 years and learned much about sexuality from this book. I don't know what I would have done without the ideas presented about women needing sexual fulfillment the same as men. I was raised in a home that, without saying it, taught that physical affection and sex was a hassle and should be done to please the man. I have been shocked to discuss sex with my other married sisters and hear that they thought it was selfish to want an orgasm on a regular, if not everytime, basis. I ended up loaning this book to two of my sisters who have thanked me profusely after reading it with their husbands...so, my point is THANK YOU for writing this! I share often how much this book has helped me and encourage others to read it as it is the only detailed, while reverent book I know of. Thank you. Thank you.
Subject:
In response to July 24 comment about only 1% being sexually happy
Date:
July 29 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
I appreciate your comments and frustration. This is the kind of topic and discussion that would be best served on the Open Forum 2 section of our blog. I have copied your comment to the blog and responded to it there with my best guess at numbers to answer your questions. It was quite thought provoking to think it through. Thank you for your questions. I encourage others to post their thoughts about my answers or any other of the topics discussed there on the blog. You can find my response here: http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/misc/open-forum-2-discussions/#comment-1538
Subject:
response to question on how women feel about sex
Date:
July 25 2009
Name:
Happy in SW
Comments:
I must be in the 1% of the women who LOVE sex, but I didn't before I found Laura's book. I was one who came close to how the woman who is Catholic said they are taught about sex and I am not Catholic. And YES my husband is MUCH happier now whereas sex used to cause most of the dicord in our marriage...which usually ocurred about once a month. I guess that is when he had just about had it with putting up with no intimacy during that time. He treats me with much more respect and tenderness since I got past the Good Girl Syndrome. It took a few years for me to break free of it, but it was well worth all the pain and tears I went through to get past it!
Date:
July 23 2009
Comments:
I have read Laura's book. It is very good. My wife hasn't read the book. I think it should be manditory reading for all engaged couples and reread once they are married then doing all of the homework. Having read much on this site I have come to the conclusion that 99% of men enjoy sex and 99% of all women do not. That means that only 1% is happy. I would like to know some truths. Laura, do you have the information of what percentage of women enjoy sex. What percent have learned to enjoy sex. What percentage of women do it because it is there married duty. And what percent of women just hate it. Also, what percent of women what to change. Round numbers would be fine.
Subject:
Chapter 2!!!
Date:
July 13 2009
Name:
Heather
Comments:
To Laura Brotherson-
Wow. Wow wow wow. I came across your website while trying to search out LDS sex therapists online. My marriage was not quite to the point of divorce, but my husband had made it clear that things needed to change in our sexual relationship, or we would be headed in that direction. I have been married for 12 years and have had an up-and-down sex life with the last year being absolutely abyssmal. I bought the book, deciding to try it first, or maybe as a starting point, before we headed for therapy. Chapter 1 was rough. It was scary, emotional, painful, and hard! I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, and neither was my husband! Fortunately I made myself press on and forge into the next chapter. Wow. I have read several marriage and sex books, but none has ever come close to what this book does. I have gained a testimony of sex, as I told my husband that night when we discussed our "homework". You told me in the beginning of the chapter that the truth and light I would find in the scriptures and other quotations discussed would wash over me like pure water. You weren't kidding. For years, all the feelings and experiences I have had pondering sex and its purpose and use were dark, joyless, fearful, and bitter. And I thought I was following the Spirit!!! I'm not sure how I could have let myself be so deceived and led astray by an enemy who had no other objective than to destroy my marriage, happiness, family, and eternal experience. How different I felt as I read and pondered the train of scriptures and quotes you presented. It WAS pure clear water! It was light flooding into a darkened mind. It was hope and joy replacing fear and guilt. I cannot describe adequately the change I underwent. THIS is what the Spirit feels like as it teaches truth to your mind. I KNEW that! Why hadn't I realized it applied to truths about sex, too?
The past few days have been the happiest we have been in our marriage. (I only started it last week! We are still working through the rest of the book.) This has so far opened up doors of communication and understanding that we have struggled to open our ENTIRE marriage. I absolutely cannot wait to get through the rest of it and begin recommending it to anyone and everyone. I can't thank you enough-- for sharing your experience, your testimony, your hard work, and your honesty and caring. I am truly grateful, maybe not as grateful as my husband ;) but pretty close.
With best wishes for yourself and your family-
Heather
Subject:
Bravo---from a Catholic girl!
Date:
July 3 2009
Comments:
Well, I am not quite a girl, I am 51 (but young in every way). I was researching something for my women's prayer group at church and happened upon your website. I read for hours. I was well and truly amazed that not only Catholics have Good Girl Syndrome (GGS)!
I wish our Church would be more accepting of maried sex as something that's intimate for the couple, rather than a way of making children, but we have a long way to go. Some of our most revered scholars of old held forth that if a man loved his wife too much (i.e., enjoyed sex with her all the time), he was no better than an adulterer and that couples must love each other as Jesus loved His church (chastely, and certainly not sexually!) At one time, even married sex acts had to be confessd to a priest, no matter why they took place.
To parallel things (sorry for the religious diatribe), in my own parish there are women my own age who never knew the joy of a bubble bath with their husband (or even a quick shower), who never saw (let alone loved) their spouse naked or let themselves be seen by him (it being some kind of sin from long ago), never made love in the daylight or (gasp) in the living room or kitchen (it happens, you know), never wore pretty nighties or lingerie (not grossly erotic stuff, just pretty things that make both parties feel nice!), never even kissed their husband with any passion. Why? They were raised to think such things are wrong, that *sex* is wrong, but can be barely condoned if your are married. I recall a lecture I heard years ago that stated (in all honesty) original sin/eating of the tree of knowledge led to the discovery that sex was pleasurable (before that, apparently Adam and Eve mated like animals) and that started the downfall of man. Some more conservative Catholics feel honeymoons are sinful occasions of lust and should not be taken as they glorify the base desires, not God. I am sure these ideas cut acrross many religious faiths, but Catholicism seems to have cornered the marked on sexual guilt.
What I am trying to say is, keep up the good work. Now if only young folks could be educated when they ARE young that sex is not evil, it is wonderful but has its own boundaries (marriage). Humans are inherently emotional (AND sexual)----so the problem will never go away, but books like yours may help with some of the misconceptions. Thank you!
Subject:
to MB in UT
Date:
July 2 2009
Name:
Laura M. Brotherson
Comments:
Hi MB in UT,
I have moved your question to our Open Forum 2 discussion page to respond (see link on the top of this page). It's easier to have a discussion there. Thank you for comment.
